Always Maybe

What to Say

Arthur decided to go to Merlin's house after school. Merlin let him, praying that Arthur would forgive him for not telling him what was going on. He hoped that Arthur would take him back because he loved him and needed him in his life more than he could even express. They went up to Merlin's room but kept the lights on, which was something they never used to do. Arthur sat in Merlin's desk chair and Merlin sat on his bed. Arthur didn't say anything for a while. Merlin looked at Arthur but Arthur looked down at the floor. It was rather annoying.

"Are you going to say anything?" Merlin asked.

Arthur looked up. "I don't know what to say, Merlin."

Merlin rolled his eyes. This had been the typical Arthur before they started dating. Never saying what was really on his mind and trying so hard to be a prat about it. 

"I just don't understand. Why did Morgana have a gun?" Arthur asked.

Merlin repositioned himself on the bed. "I went to Morgana and told her that we needed to end this. She said that the only fair way was a duel. With guns. I agreed and I met her where she told me to go."

Arthur sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "You mean to tell me that you knowingly walked into your death?"

Merlin nodded. "Precisely. Only, it wasn't my death. It was Lance's. It should have been me, though."

The blond boy fiddled with his fingers subconsciously. "How did Lance know where to find you?"

"He knew where I was. He was the only one I told anything to." Merlin bit his lip and waited for Arthur's response.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I trusted him to--"

"You trusted Lancelot more than your boyfriend? More than the person you claim to love with all your heart?" Arthur was yelling now, and his rage was an uncontrollable train headed straight for the sky. He was practically breathing fire and his eyes were a complicated mixture of hurt, offended, and angry. 

"I didn't trust you not to come after me," Merlin said sheepishly.

Arthur looked at him. "What?"

"The only reason I didn't trust you was because I thought you would try to stop me. Try and do what Lance did. I didn't think that Lancelot would come and do what he did. I guess I thought that since I would lay down my life for you, you would do the same. But since I'm just a worthless, pathetic coward to you, I guess I was wrong. And I get it, anyway. I'm so pathetic that I can't even die right."

Arthur didn't say anything as Merlin started to cry. He had a million different thoughts running through his head, but his heart pulled him towards Merlin. He sat down on the bed next to him and looked down at the floor. He already liked being this close to him. He liked being able to smell Merlin and know that he was safe right next to him.

"Merlin, you are far from those things. I thought... you're not a coward. You're the bravest man I've ever known, so let me just clear that up for you. And you're not pathetic. Not. At. All. But, I am pissed." Merlin frowned. "I'm pissed that you were going to let yourself die with that fight being our ending. Do you know what it would have done to me if someone told me you were dead and our last conversation was me calling you a coward? It would have destroyed me, Merlin."

Merlin wiped his nose on his sleeve and turned to face Arthur. He still had tears running down his cheeks. "I didn't like it either," he whispered.

Arthur put a warm and caring hand on Merlin's face. He brushed away the scrawny boy's tears with his thumb. The two looked at each other. Merlin could see the whole ocean in Arthur's sparkling blue eyes. Arthur smiled softly and leaned in ever so slowly. Merlin let his eyes flutter closed before his lips were even on the blond's because oh how he had missed this proximity.

After a second, Arthur pulled away (much to Merlin's disappointment). "Let's never fight again."