Always Maybe

Always?

Heyyyyyyy here's an update for you guys! Almost at 7k... you're all fantastic!

-bibliosoph

Merlin parked the car and took a deep breath. He turned the engine off, the music fading into nothing. Arthur looked over at him for a moment, and Merlin saw a very familiar look in his eyes. Fear. Arthur was the captain of the rugby team, which was supposed to make him strong and fearless. Merlin had always known him to be strong, stronger than he let on. And now he was seeing a side of Arthur that was incredibly vulnerable. 

"You don't have to do this," Merlin said. 

Arthur nodded and unbuckled his seatbelt. "Yes," he said. "I do."

He started to get out of the car, but Merlin locked the doors. "Arthur, listen to me. Pressing your feelings down won't make anything better. Sucking it up and pretending it doesn't hurt will only end up hurting you. Please trust me. I've had to deal with pain and heartbreak over and over again, and it doesn't get any better."

"You don't know what this feels like, Merlin. My father beat both me and the boy I love. You have no idea what that's like."

"Arthur--"

"No. Your father died. You have no idea what it's like to try and please him, to try and make him forgive you for--"

"For being gay?"

A suffocating silence filled the car. Merlin lowered his window slightly to get some air, hoping that the fresh air would clear his head. The air barely helped, even as he closed his eyes and let it seep into his lungs and consume him. 

Arthur didn't say anything, which made Merlin feel worse. He didn't like the silence, the silence that had never before been an issue. The silence the two had previously shared was almost comfortable: they knew exactly what the other one was thinking even if nothing was said. Now, Merlin couldn't tell what was going on his boyfriend's mind. He wondered if Arthur had felt ashamed of his sexuality all along or if his fear of Uther merely triggered this feeling of self-loathing. 

"Are you ashamed of me?" Merlin asked, his voice soft and hesitant. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the truth or simply what he wanted to hear. He didn't want to be told that he was a shameful thing. He didn't want Arthur to admit to hating the publicity of their relationship, or even for Arthur to admit that he hated who he was. 

Arthur looked at him for a moment, the car still around them. "Of course not," he said tenderly. Merlin released a breath he wasn't aware he had been holding. 

"Oh," he managed. He wasn't sure what else he was supposed to say to that. A thank you?

"Merlin, I would never be ashamed of you. You are... you are the best thing that has ever happened to me."

Merlin felt his world inflate with happiness again, the feeling of pure love consuming him once more. 

This boy. 

"I feel the same way," Merlin agreed. 

Arthur smiled softly and reached over to kiss his cheek. Merlin blushed and smiled, feeling like a giddy school girl. 

"I'm sorry about your father," Merlin said, wondering if that was something he was supposed to add to the conversation.

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Ugh, my father. Let's just not talk about him. He doesn't exist today, okay? Just us."

"Just us," Merlin promised. "Always."

Arthur kissed him once more. "Promise to never leave me?"

"Never," he promised.

Merlin never even imagined that Arthur would be the one who needed to promise to stay.