Always Maybe

I Know

Sorry that I haven't written in a while, but I'm having severe writer's block. Sorry if this isn't a very good update! 

-bibliosoph

The weekend could not come sooner. Every day seemed to drag on and on for Merlin, and all he wanted to do was retire to his bedroom for the weekend. Arthur had noticed Merlin's change and wondered what he could do to help his love recover. He hadn't experienced loss before. Morgana wasn't filed as a missing child because she was over 18, but even that wasn't a loss. Arthur knew she was alive, and he hated the person she had become. His mother had died during childbirth, but he didn't know her. He saw his father's sadness show on the anniversary of her death (which was also Arthur's birthday) but he didn't ever reciprocate those feelings. Merlin had lost so much in his life and all Arthur seemed to do was make things worse. He was responsible for Freya's death and his sister was responsible for Lancelot's. Arthur couldn't help but feel like all he did for Merlin was bring despair. 

On Saturday morning, Merlin woke up at four in the morning and was unable to fall back to sleep. He watched Netflix and tried to ease his mind, but nothing seemed to help. At eleven in the morning, Merlin still hadn't left his room, but there was a knock on the door.

"Come in," he said, his voice raspy. The door opened and Arthur stood there, his eyes full of pity. Everyone gave Merlin that same look these days, and it made Merlin want to throw up. 

"Merlin," Arthur said breathlessly.

Merlin tried to smile, but he couldn't. He didn't seem to smile anymore. "What are you doing here?"

Arthur shrugged and moved across the room and sat down next to Merlin on his bed. Merlin was wearing an old band shirt that had been his dad's with a pair of sweatpants. He shut his laptop so he could give Arthur his undivided attention. Arthur wrapped his arm around Merlin's shoulder and hugged him. Merlin let his head rest on Arthur's chest. 

"Are you okay?" Arthur whispered.

Merlin sniffed, his nose runny and his eyes teary. He was always crying. "I don't know."

Arthur swallowed. "Are we okay?"

A pause. "I don't know."

Arthur's breath hitched in the back of his throat. He looked down, unable to look at Merlin. He didn't want to believe that things were over. They had been through so much together, and he needed Merlin in his life, but he had to admit that with Merlin so frail and sad, they'd lost their fire. Where was the prattish boy Arthur had fallen so deeply in love with? He needed Merlin back, the real Merlin. Arthur wasn't sure that Merlin wasn't too far gone. 

"I'm sorry, Arthur. It's not you, I swear." 

Arthur nodded. "I know."

"I'm just not myself right now."

"I know."

"I don't like making you put up with me. I don't like having you see me like this."

"I know."

Merlin's eyes were brimming with tears. He was surprised that he hadn't cried them all out yet. Deep down he knew that this was almost worse than losing Lancelot, Freya, or his father. He was choosing to walk away from the man he loved more than life itself, and Arthur was going to let him. He was going to let him just walk away from everything they had built together. If Arthur wasn't going to fight for him, he wasn't going to argue. He needed to learn how to try again. he needed to learn how to feel okay before he could love Arthur like he used to.

"I'm sorry. I think I just need space," Merlin decided, his mind hating the word the second it came out of his mouth. He didn't need space. He needed Arthur. Arthur wasn't the problem. He was the problem. He felt like he was always the problem. If it hadn't been for him, everyone would still be alive. Everything would be fine.

Arthur nodded and kissed the top of Merlin's head. "I love you, Merlin. I want you to do whatever will make you happy. If leaving me... if leaving me is what makes you happy, then you should do it. I'll let you if you can tell me honestly that you don't want to be with me."

Here was Merlin's shovel. He could dig his way out, but at what cost? He looked at Arthur. He looked him in the eye. "Leaving you will make me happy." Merlin's heart burned.

The light in Arthur's eyes faded into a dull ache that Merlin was all too familiar with. "Consider me left."