Always Maybe

Phone Call

Shall we pretend I didn't take a hiatus?

Merlin stood in front of the mirror in the morning before school, casually checking over his outfit. Black "Magic" tee, jeans, red Converse. He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair one more time. Convinced that this was the best it was going to get, he grabbed his backpack and went downstairs, his heart racing. He wasn't quite sure why he decided that today was going to be the day he tried to make everything change. He wasn't sure why he decided that this particular day would be that day, but he had decided it, so he went with it. He didn't want to wimp out again. 

Hunith was downstairs, Kilgarrah by her side, licking something on the kitchen floor. Merlin smiled softly at the two of them and gave his mom a kiss on the cheek. She turned and smiled, happy to see him out of his room and surprisingly.... refreshed. 

"You're up early," she said.

Merlin nodded and took a bowl and cereal out of the cupboard. "I've decided to be happy today," he said. 

"That's a good choice, Merlin. I hope it works out for you," she said.

"Oh, me too."

Then, after finishing his cereal at an incredible speed, he left. Hunith was happy to see the spring back in his step. 

School looked the same as it always did. It was like it had no idea of what Merlin was planning. Oh well, he thought. It's better this way.

Gwaine was hanging out with the Knights when Merlin strutted through the hallway, his backpack swinging from one shoulder. Gwaine looked at him in awe, happy to see the gleam back in his eyes. He quickly told the team he would be right back and started after Merlin, who was walking with such purpose that he had already arrived at his locker.  Gwaine smiled at the raven haired boy and leant against the locker beside his. 

"You're looking cheery today," Gwaine said. "Did Arthur call you?"

Merlin's face fell for a moment before his smile returned to his face. "No," he said as he put books into his locker.

"Oh, sorry. That's just the princess being an ass."

"What else is new?" Merlin chuckled. He closed his locker. 

"He misses you, you know. He hardly talks. If I didn't know better, I'd say he's still pining--"

"It doesn't matter, Gwaine. He'll talk to me if he wants to talk to me. I'm here today. I'm staying the whole day. He knows where to find me. And anyway, he's not going to ruin this day for me. I don't want to deal with dramatics."

Gwaine put his hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay, but I told you."

"Go back to the Knights, Gwaine. Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

Gwaine smiled at his friend one more time and relented, turning to go back to his friends, leaving Merlin alone at his locker. 

The day dragged on. Gwen and Gwaine were almost suffocating Merlin with affection. They sat together at lunch, but Merlin wasn't too hungry so he didn't eat anything. Gwen decided not to comment on the fact that he had lost a lot of weight since Lancelot died. He seemed so happy for once, and she didn't want to ruin it. She also decided not to ask why he was suddenly so happy. She didn't want him to feel guilty about it or anything. 

When Merlin got home that day, he smiled to himself. It had been a good day. The good day. The good day he needed. He picked up his phone, realizing that he had one last thing to do before he saw his perfect day through. He dialed the number he knew by heart. He could have just called the contact but typing each number seemed so much more personal. The satisfying beep that each button made was almost like music to Merlin's ears. 

He didn't pick up the phone. Merlin hadn't expected him to. He hadn't wanted him to. He wasn't at school, so he was probably sick. Probably sleeping. It was better this way.

He took a deep breath as the voice asked him to leave a message. He sat down on his bed, waiting. 

"Hey. It's me. I just wanted to tell you that I," he took a deep breath, "that I love you. I'm sorry it had to end this way. You mean the world to me. But.... in light of recent events... I'm sure you'll understand. Someday. Please forgive me. If you love me, you'll just forgive me. Please. I love you."