Always Maybe

Rainy Confessions

Guys, I love you all. Really. Just letting you know. I would really love it if you'd reach out and talk to me because your input and support make such an incredible difference in my life. You guys are my motivation and I love you all <3

Hunith greeted Arthur with a hug. Tears were streaming down her face, and Arthur couldn't help but feel like he was going to cry, too. He didn't like to see people. It made him cry. He'd already started crying in the car when he called Gwen. She was going to come in a few minutes. Gwaine was going to pick her up and they would both come. For Merlin. Merlin.  

Hunith led Arthur into Merlin's room wordlessly. Arthur expected to see a weak Merlin, but the man in the bed was almost unrecognisable. He was paler and weaker and skinnier. His breath was shallow. His lips were chapped. His eyelids had fallen. He was not the Merlin that Arthur had known. He was not the Merlin that Arthur had loved.

Hunith left them alone. Left Arthur alone. Merlin wasn't Merlin. He was a vegetable. Nothing. A shell. Arthur collapsed by Merlin's side, clutching his cold hand in his. He kissed it. It hurt him to do it. He didn't want this to be their last kiss. Their last moment. It would crush him. After everything they'd been through, this couldn't be the end. Yet, here he was. Barely alive. Hardly surviving. 

How did I let it get this bad?

Arthur thought it was all his fault. He knew it was all his fault. He shouldn't have let Morgana fight Merlin. He should have been there. It should have been Arthur that died; not Lancelot. Merlin was too broken for this. Too weak. And there was nothing Arthur could do. Nothing. Nothing but watch and wonder if he could have somehow saved him from all this pain.

He held Merlin's hand and decided that, for some reason, it would be good for him to talk to him. He knew he wouldn't wake up. He knew he wouldn't reply. Arthur just wanted to talk to him. Just to tell him how he felt. Even as a vegetable, Merlin was a person that Arthur felt the need to open up to. It what had drawn him to the raven haired boy in the first place. He smiled to himself at the thought of it; the moment when he discovered he had feelings for the pale boy.

"You've always had a special place in my heart," Arthur whispered aloud. He had never discussed this with Merlin. He had always dodged the issue. It was almost painful for him to recall sometimes. It reminded him of how he wouldn't accept himself. It had hurt when he had pushed his true self so far down in order to please his father. It had hurt him physically and emotionally. Denying his sexuality was the one thing that Arthur regretted the most. 

Merlin's breathing remained constant. His lips were unmoving. Arthur squeezed his hand. He needed to say this. 

"I knew I liked you a while ago," Arthur admitted. "You came over to the house in year nine and it had been raining and you were wearing a white shirt that got all see-through. Your hair was a mess, too." He chuckled at the memory. "Something about the way you looked just made me feel like I had to kiss you. I was blushing like crazy when you standing in the foyer just dripping rain water from your hair and clothes. You smiled at me. Do you remember that?"

Merlin didn't reply. 

"That was the moment I started being mean to you. I bet you remember that. I would glare at you in the hallways. Even in that moment, I told myself to snap out of it.  I told you to get a towel and stop getting the floor all wet. I didn't mind, honestly. About the floor. I just cared about what I was feeling for you. I didn't want to like you. I had never thought I was gay. I didn't want to be gay. I didn't want to be... different."

Arthur ran his fingers through his hair. It felt good to be getting it off his chest. 

"You made me realise something, though. There's no half-decent definition for 'different.' What is 'different,' anyway? Being gay shouldn't make me different or whatever. It's bollocks, honestly. The people who said being gay is different are probably the same people who said being black was different. They say it like it's bad. I mean, obviously being gay and being straight are two different things, but they say gay like it's a bad thing. A worse thing. It's not, though. Why isn't gay considered the norm? Why is a norm even a thing? It's stupid. Society is stupid. I'm stupid. Ugh. I'm rambling. Sorry."

Something hit the window and Arthur turned to see it. It was a drop of water. Suddenly, the whole sky was grey and full of water. It fell hard. Arthur sighed and kissed Merlin's forehead.

"I love you."

Outside, the rain fell.