The room 102 - z.m fics

I still need you

I looked at him and he was right there looking at me like he was waiting for something.
- Zayn..
- please don't say anything. Keep reading.
- every single one ?
- maybe two more and you can say every word you can.
   I put my hand in the box again and I picked one in a random way. The box was very organized, maybe because they were separated by days, or situations feelings or may not..but something took my hand to that letter.

  20 July 2015

I didn't know how to tell you this but I started having feelings for her..I mean it's not even feelings. Maybe an attraction, I don't know but I feel like she will help me somehow. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid if she makes me forget you, or is she makes me remember you even more. And I don't know which one are worse. For a moment I know I need to forget you if I want to continue living my life, for other moment I know that there's no life without you. Am I being too crazy ? Maybe you would never imagine you could see me in this right now, in this mess. Chris, why did you have to go ? I feel stupid because I did something to keep you, I did nothing for you to stop and now..you are..I don't even know where you are, babe and this hurts. How can I keep loving somebody if I don't even know if they are alive or dead ?
Sometimes I even search for your plane in Internet, see if something happened to you, to your family but I still see your mom on tv, so I judge by seeing this that everything it's alright..
I'm just so anxious to get something from you. Give me a sign. Only one.

Still need you x
  Zayn x

Each letter, more broken my heart was. I didn't know if I should kiss him, look at him, wait for something. The letters made me feel broken. I never thought he was in this situation and it was all because of me.
  How I wish I could back at time and stay right there with him, how I wish I could turn back at time and find him.
I hate when I hurt people like this, especially the one that I need at most. We were just kids finding something to love, but a love that could keep us alive and that's why it killed us like that.
Both of us were in pain and we couldn't help each other.

- hey.. - he interrupted my thoughts - are you..okay ?
- I am so sorry.
- no, no, no..it's alright now. I am good, I am here. And no, no cry, come here - he hugged me as soon as he saw me crying. A tight strong hug that calmed my whole body. - I have you now on my life, that's what matters at most.
- you won't lose me! Ever again, I...I promise you! I just feel the worst human being for leaving somebody behind like you. How could I leave you ?
- you had too..you had to follow your parents, you had other plans. What could I do ?
- no..it's all my fault. Trust me.
- why are you saying that ? You know it's..
- it is. - I interrupted trying to clean my tears from my eyes but his strong arms were grabbing me so tight that I couldn't move that well, but it was a safe feeling - I pushed everybody away. Johanna, Maria, Charles, Taylor, I pushed our friends away. I canceled my social media because I wanted to create a new life and do you know what I did before cancel it ? I saved every single pic of yours to keep on my pocket everyday. And you want to see it ? I still have them. I never forget you, I remembered your existence all the time. But something wasn't letting me go back to you. Something kept me at home and don't search for you..
He kissed me before I finish my words. A slowly, deeply, intense kiss that I wish I could keep it forever. My tears were failing between our lips.
  I knew I have him right by my side now but how could I do something like that ?! Now I understand why my mom used to tell me that the fault was always mine. Maybe this was my whole fault and we suffered for years because of me.
My parents had to move on from Uk because my mom couldn't keep going every weekend to New York so we had to find a solution. And this was the solution. The solution of breaking a love that could be more intensive and beautiful than it is now.