Too many lies-Pretty Little Liars fanfiction

Chapter 12

Emily POV

I woke up with a horrendous hangover and recognised I was at Spencer's. The last thing I remember from last night was sitting looking at Alison's picture at the church, and drinking to make it easier. I clearly drank to much seen as though the rest of the night is just blank. I slowly climbed out of bed and made my way down stairs. I heard the girls talking. They all turned and went silent went a walked down the stairs. "Morning" Hanna said trying to be all happy and cheerful which I really wasn't in the mood for. I sat down, hugged my knees and closed my eyes. Spencer got me coffee and Aspirin and I asked them about what had happened the night before. They all looked at each other and I immediately knew what they were about to say wasn't going to be good.

"We know that you loved Ali. More than a friend" aria said delicately. A tear fell from my eye and i looked down.

"How much did I tell you?" I asked apprehensively.

S: "Not much. That's why we got up before you, so we would be here ready to talk when you woke up"  

"Okay. But this is hard for me. Maybe the hardest thing I've ever done and I don't know if I'm ready to admit to myself what I'm about to tell you guys"

H:"Emily, take all the time you need. Whenever your ready we will be here, always, forever."

We were together again. It felt like that year we spent apart never happened. And it felt so good to be so close to my friends again. I new I could trust them with my life and  that's why what I was about to say felt a little easier.

"So...yeah I was in love with Alison. I always was, since the first day I met her. I didn't know what it met, I just knew she made me feel happy and special" I had to pause because I had that feeling in my throat, the feeling you get before you start uncontrollably crying, which is what I did. I couldn't hold it back, and I knew I didn't have too. Hanna grabbed my hand and assured me that everything was okay. I continued, after I stopped hysterically crying.

"The first day I really knew how I felt about her was about two years ago."

I told them the story about how me and Alison kissed that first time in the library. They were shocked but tried not to show it. I didn't blame them though, to be honest, it shocked me the first time it happened.

"That kiss was one of the best moments of my life. But it also lead to one of the worst. Me and Alison had just finished PE and we were sat talking in the locker room. I made a move on her thinking she felt the same as me, but I was wrong. She shot me down saying the kiss was just a practice and she wasn't in to me that way. I was heartbroken. She played with me and I let her. I let my feelings cloud my judgement and I ended up getting hurt. Really hurt. Probably the most I've ever been, ever. And by my best friend"

S:"Emily, you should have told us what was going on?"

"It was easier to just try and forget about it. Which was still hard because I saw her every day. And because I didn't know what it meant then, or at least didn't want to admit it. After that day I tried to just look at her just as a friend, and eventually convinced myself that's all she was. Until the day she came home from her grandmothers, the day before she disappeared. After you guys left her house on that Friday night we were just in her room talking about what she'd done the week before. She said how she'd been to the beach and been shopping with one of her friends in Georgia. She said she's bought this new top and she had to show me because it was gorgeous. She put it on and asked me to help her with the zip at the back. I hesitantly walked over to her and zipped up the back slowly, trying carefully to not get any of her hair caught in it. I was stood so close to her and all those feelings I'd buried deep down came flooding back. I breathed heavily and she turned and looked right into my eyes. The moment was happening again. She stared at me for a few seconds and whispered 'it wasn't just for practice Em, I'm sorry I made you think that.' We were so close now I could feel her breath on my lips. Then she kissed me passionately. It felt different than the last time. It was better but weird. It felt like a goodbye kiss, and it was amazing. She held on to my neck and I held her round her waist. We parted and she hugged me tight. 'What was that for' I said and she said it was an apology. For all the time she'd upset me. I smiled, turned around and walked out. That night I did a lot of thinking. And I came to a conclusion. Something that would change my whole life once I said it out loud , and would change what everyone thought about me."
"Emily, you can say it, you don't have to be afraid anymore" Aria said clearly clicking on to what I was trying to say. As a tear fell down my face I finally said it out loud, "I'm... im gay."

The girls looked at me and smiled. They all came over to me and hugged me. I felt so strange, but good strange. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was so thankful for these three girls around me; without them I wouldn't be able to admit who I am, and be who I am.

"But guys that's not everything"

They all glared at me curiously and waited for me to speak.

"So you know Maya, the new girl living In Alison's house" they all nodded and frowned wondering why I would bring her up now, "well when I first met her I got that feeling, that same feeling I got when I was with Alison. At first I just thought it was because I was in Ali's old house surrounded by some of her old things but then I realised, it was Maya." I paused and took a deep breath. My hands were shaking. "When she hugged me my heart raced. Everything feels so easy when I'm with her, like I don't have to pretend to be someone in not."

H: "Em what are you-"

I cut her off.

"Wait that's not everything. So I invited her to Noels party. We were dancing, and having loads of fun. Aria had disappeared somewhere- actually where did you go?"

A:" oh I just wasn't in the party mood, so I went home"

"Oh. Well anyways, it felt like we were the only two people on the planet. I felt so free, like I didn't have a care in the world. We went into the photo booth at the back of the room, and one thing led to another and we kissed. But now I don't know what to do because I haven't seen her since it happened and I don't want her to think I'm avoiding her, eugh I don't know what to do"

S: "Emily...do you like Maya?"

"No. Yes. I don't know"

A: "Em not to make your situation any harder but erm, what about Ben? Last time I checked he was your boyfriend right?"

Oh my god, Ben. I didn't even think. How am I going to tell him? I can't tell him the truth, I'm not ready for everyone to find out yet.

"Guys what do I do? I have to break up with him, but I don't want him to know the real reason. I'm not ready yet"

H: "Emily it's okay, we will help you, everything will be okay."

S:"just say you feel like your growing apart and you feel like you should both move on from each other"

A: "yeah, say that. He can't get mad if you say that"

"Okay, but I hate this"

H: "we know Em, but you can't keep lying to yourself. This is the first step to becoming the person you really are"

I nodded and took a sip of my coffee. All this confessing made my head hurt more. Breaking up with Ben tomorrow will be very hard, but like Hanna said, it's the first step to finally becoming who I really am.