Going Back

Enough (Her)

The car door slammed, causing me to flinch a bit. There were a million scenarios in my head about how my night would go, and I have to say that this wasn't one of them. I had been so consumed with worrying about the group dynamic, the potentially awkward dynamic between Lindsey and I and Emma's birthday tomorrow that I honestly hadn't even giving Brian's arrival at the restaurant a second thought. Truly though, I wasn't that surprised. He always wanted to play the part of the happy little family, especially in front of Lindsey. I hated that.

We drove in an uncomfortable silence for several miles as I looked out my window, avoiding even the chance of making eye contact with him.

"Did you really think you were going to get away with doing this and never saying anything to me, Stevie?" He was fuming.

I sighed. "Brian, let's not do this. Please. We both know you don't care about anything thats going on in my life and you haven't for years. It's not like I'm leaving for a tour for six months, it's one special that they're going to film- that they're considering filming. I don't even have the details now, it's not even a done deal."

"All I'm saying is that a heads up would have been nice," he retorted snidely. "I'd rather not get this kind of information in passing from Landon."

Honestly, I understood his point. "You're right." I left it at that, hoping that he would just let it go. It wasn't worth the fight with him- it never was.

"Don't blow me off, Stevie. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that could have been for me?"

"Ahh, the root of the issue. Not how I feel, or our relationship, but what people might think of you. Enough, Brian. I'm sick of the games."

He pulled into the driveway of our home, if I could even call it that at this point. I moved to get out but he didn't even turn the car off. I turned to look at him. "Aren't you coming in?"

He gripped the steering wheel a little tighter. "No, I won't be home tonight. I expect you to be ready to leave on my company retreat tomorrow morning."

I slammed the door behind me, unsure of when I let things get so bad. Walking into the large, empty house, my emotions were magnified. They boys were at their mothers house this week and my husband clearly wasn't returning any time soon. I poured myself a glass of cold water, needing anything to shock me back into reality. As I held my head in my hands, bent over to lean on the kitchen counter, I cried. I was at my breaking point. I should have been here years ago, but I held out. I held out for what I told myself would make me happy for so many years, and then I lost sight of what exactly I was pretending that happiness was in the first place. I needed a change, and I couldn't ignore it any more.

I locked up the house behind me and wandered upstairs. Though it was earlier than usual I just wanted to go to sleep- I wanted the night to be over. I washed my face and changed into a nightgown, only then remembering the bracelet that Lindsey had gifted me earlier that evening. I reached into my purse and pulled it out, examining it closely for the first time. A small, involuntary smile crossed my face as I held the delicate piece of jewelry. A little emerald. It was understated but he'd put a good amount of thought into it. He always did. I sat it on my bedside table and picked up the telephone, dialing his number. Lindsey and I didn't speak anymore, but I wanted to thank him for a lovely evening and a thoughtful gift. I rubbed some hand lotion in while the phone rang, only to catch the machine. I left a causal message, realizing that he likely wasn't even home from dinner at this point, almost certainly staying behind for a few more drinks with Mick.

I picked up the phone again, this time dialing a different number, and smiling a little when I heard Dylan's voice on the other end. "Hey buddy, is your mom home? I need to talk to her for a second."  Being a stepmother to my three boys had been the highlight of my life for the last years.  Dylan was only three when we'd gotten married and in one swift move I'd had everything I'd ever wanted. I hadn't known Brian for long at that point, we'd had a swift courtship and I was beyond smitten. He was a single dad who was saying all the right things and pulling out all the stops to woo me, and could give me an instant family. I wouldn't have traded being able to raise those three boys for anything in the world, but now they're are older and I had to draw the line somewhere. I couldn't continue to destroy all of my personal happiness. The boys knew that I loved each of them dearly, and I had to hope that was enough.

"Lisa, hi, It's Stevie." I'd had a cordial relationship with Brian's ex-wife over the years, but by no means were we the best of friends. "Listen, I'm so sorry to be calling so late but I just wanted to let you know that as it turns out I'll be around all next week so if you still need Dylan to come over here after school that's absolutely fine."

I paused for a moment while she spoke, advising her that I wasn't going away on Brian's business trip after all. I'm sure she knew something was up, by both my demeanor and likely bits and pieces of what was going on over here from the boys, but I didn't care to discuss it.

I ended the call and clicked off my lamp, laying on my back and staring at the dark ceiling. I needed to figure out where I'm going from here.