Going Back

Listening (Him)

Final? Her divorce is final? I didn't even know that she had filed. All this time she's been dealing with a divorce and she'd never even mentioned it to me? I would have been there for her every step of the way. I just had no idea... But I couldn't say I was exactly surprised. I listened intently as she continued to speak, but I couldn't silence the questions streaming through my head.

"Slow down a second," I told her, propping myself up on my elbow. "Are you okay? You haven't said a word about any of this until now." I searched her face for an answer.

She shrugged her shoulders and looked down at her hands. While not completely out of character for her to keep something like this private, I was a bit taken aback that she didn't share it with me. "It was a long time coming, Lindsey."

She couldn't hide her hurt from me. Not that easily, not anymore. I sat up, leaning back against the headboard and pulled her close. Though I had never wished to hear the details of her marriage to Brian, I knew she needed someone to listen right now. And I was there to support her. Always had been. "Tell me what happened. Start at the beginning."

I heard her sniffle a little bit before she spoke. "Well, to start at the very beginning... he wasn't you, Linds."

She glanced up at me and I was instantly speechless. All these years, when I had lost all hope that she retained any feelings but animosity towards me, she hadn't let go either.

I just let her talk. I let her cry and tell me what had happened. How it had really all fallen apart. About how bad it had really gotten, and how she had hidden it from the world.

"And then all of this with Kate- I'll never forgive myself for letting him come between her and I. That was the final straw."

I pulled her a little closer, kissing her hair. I'm suddenly brought to life by the realization that the woman I've loved for so many years is back in my arms, and back in my life. That she's completely free to do as she pleases and I no longer have to contend with her ass of a husband. It's surreal.

She obviously needed to vent, so I allowed her to continue to talk about anything she needed to get off of her chest.

While I assumed she would be mourning the loss of a marriage to some degree, the more that she spoke I realized that her overarching emotion was that she was feeling was relief. I knew that she had loved raising Brian's boys, but the more that she spoke I realized she had done so on her own. Was he really never there for her? I was kicking myself for not stepping in sooner.

"I think Dylan will wind up living with me some of the time, when their mother is out of town. He seems like he wants to. I'm not sure that he will really even notice his dad isn't there. From what I hear it sounds like the boys get along well with Kate. And Dylan just loves Pierce."

She always put everyone else before herself. It was one of her sweetest traits but it had really burnt her, and this was no exception. I let her talk, knowing that this was a form of therapy for her. That I was absorbing what would otherwise be scribed in her journal.

"You've really done a great job with them, Steph," I told her, and she gave me a sweet smile. I'd missed that smile. "Seriously, you have," I rubbed her arm. "And I love watching your relationship with Kate grow. You guys are really growing."

"She's so perfect, Lindsey. She's ours and she's home. There were so many years when I never thought we'd be here again. My heart never really healed from that kind of ache."

Mine hasn't either. "I know, angel."

"But now she's back and we have Pierce and Livi and I never knew my heart could be so full. Those babies, Linds. I swear they are the most amazing little humans."

I nodded in agreement. "I'll be honest with you, Steph, that first night you held Olivia, you were so beautiful and so at peace, and she was so naturally drawn to you- but damn it brought up a lot of emotions. Things I'd been suppressing for 25 years." I squeezed her a little tighter.

Her response was soft. "It did for me too, Lindsey. I wonder how everything would have been different, for all of us. When I see you play with Pierce it's the same feeling for me. He's just a little ditto of you and I wonder, you know, if we'd had this big family and just lived in the suburbs..."

"But we didn't. We can't dwell on that, my love. We have our perfect little family now, don't we?"

I could feel her nod her agreement, but I couldn't ignore the silent tears spilling onto my shirt.

We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. I studied her features- the lines on her face that I knew I was partially responsible for. Her eyes, which could always reach me with one glance, even in my darkest reaches. I studied her lips. I wanted her so badly. I always had, and that had never gone away. I'd buried it. I'd suppressed it for so many years but I just couldn't anymore. I didn't want to anymore.

Tonight was a realization for me. A realization that I couldn't waste any more time. I didn't want to go on without her. On some level, is known it all along. I should have fought harder, I should have given her the life she deserved. But all these years I thought that I was the one that she needed to be saved from.

I leaned in and kissed her, testing the waters, and she pulled me closer. Everything felt right, and I went for it.