Going Back

After Midnight II (Her)

2 am and I'm crying in my bathtub. Great. So chalk that up to a low point in my life.

I'd wanted my space. At this point I can't for the life of me remember why. All I've wanted for over thirty years was him. And just when everything was working out I had to mess things up.

I guess i just thought he'd understand. That he'd realize I wanted, needed, time to process all of this. Things were barely finished with Brian and I, and though they'd been over for me for years, there was still a lot to process. I didn't want to come into a new relationship with Lindsey with baggage. I just needed to clear my head, to be in a good mental space. I needed time to find myself again and to be ready to be all in with him. I just didn't think that anything less than 100% would be fair to him. But now look what I've done. I was open and honest, and I thought I our relationship was ready for that, but now he's gone.

I just needed him to meet me halfway. To take things slow for a bit, to rediscover each other. Was that so wrong of me? Maybe it was. It should know him well enough to understand that he wants that kind of commitment from me. He always has. I shouldn't have been so blindsided. I just couldn't believe it when he walked out. That he could actually just leave like that. In the seventies I wouldn't have been so shocked by his behavior but now- well, I guess I thought our relationship had grown. That we could communicate.

That night at the arena I thought he'd come right back for me. I shouldn't have had Karen pack up for me. I should have told him I was leaving. And then when we got back to California- well I was sure he'd come for me. But he didn't. He never came. I've been sitting here beside myself in misery for weeks.

The worst part is that I'm having to watch what it's doing to Kate. I just can't bring myself to talk about it with her. The wound is still too fresh. She probably wants and needs some explanations but honestly, what do I say to her? I won't get her involved. I refuse. Lindsey and I's problems are just that- ours. I was perfectly happy the way things were. I never needed a diamond and a house with a white picket fence to be complete. He made me complete- but this pressure for a formal commitment was never ending with him. It wasn't enough to just be together. He wanted a certain lifestyle, and at times it seemed that the lifestyle was more important to him than I was. 

I do wonder, though, what she knows. From what I can tell it's not much. It doesn't seem that Lindsey is letting on to anything. Is he not upset? Does he not care? If he's hurt and she sees it, she's definitely not selling him out.

I can't say that I'm not envious of him in the current situation. Kate's living there full time and loving it. He is really a perfect little family with her and the kids. He gets to be there all the time and experience the day to day items. I see them a few times a week, for which I am grateful, but I honestly wish they'd never leave.

My bubbles have disappeared and my water is growing cold so I pull myself from the tub, wrapping up in a warm fluffy towel and blowing out the candles perched in my window. I wander to my bed and pull my journal from the nightstand. I've been writing a lot lately. I'm contemplating a new solo album as I have amassed quite a bit of potential material. Whenever he's in my life it pours out of me. I just wish it were a happier tune. I wish I were enough for him.

I tap my pen onto the blank page of my journal, contemplating. I'd eyeballed my telephone several times a day for the last weeks. I wanted to see if he'd come to me. It wasn't a game, I just needed to know that I'm worth it to him. He was always worth it to me. Always.

I picked up the phone and called his house. He had a private line in the studio and Kate had mentioned he was holed away down there when I'd spoken to her earlier in the evening.

It rang and rang. Given the time of day and the limited amount of people who had that direct number I was fully aware that if he was sitting there he would know that it was me. Even though we weren't exactly on speaking terms something told me he wasn't ignoring my calls. A part of me felt hope at the fact that he just wasn't sitting there. That maybe we could figure this out. I'd worked up the nerve to call and even though he didn't answer, it was something.

A little progress, I suppose. I tiny step closer to swallowing my pride. I went back to my writing, knowing I'd try again this week, at a more reasonable hour. There's no doubt I love the man. I just needed to find the words.