Going Back

Confusion (Him)

"Let's go through that one again," I spoke over my shoulder. "Turn John's amp up a bit," I instructed into the microphone. We'd been rehearsing for two days and overall things were going well. It was all coming either very naturally and the stress that we had all anticipated was virtually non existent to date. Frankly, I was shocked.

I couldn't help but to notice, though, that something was off with Stevie. She just hasn't been herself. I know I haven't spent a serious amount of time around her in a while but she just wasn't the same right now. She was so down to the point- taking care of business and that was it. Her wall was up, not only with me but with all of us. I could tell she'd been trying to say something to me but we hadn't had a moment alone.  She'd called me twice while I was away visiting my brother, and I hadn't been able to speak with her since.

She sat perched on a stool to my left, rifling  through some papers while I worked on Big Love. I watched her hop up and walk over to Karen, as soon as she entered the room, listening intently to whatever information Karen was giving her and pointing at several things in a binder. Her demeanor had changed- she was so serious. I began to wonder if I'd done something wrong, and even though I couldn't figure out for the life of me what it could have been, i knew something was wrong. I continued to sing, my own words somewhat haunting me.

When I finished with Big Love she made her way back to the stage. I watched her walking towards me, clearly distracted. If she was going to let her guard down, it would be now- Landslide was next. This was just the two of us. John and Chris vacated temporarily and Mick walked over for a drink of water. I strummed the opening chords of the song and her voice came out just as flawless as always. I turned to face her, but she stood straight ahead, signing to the empty building. Her eyes were closed. She was shutting me out completely. I stared at her, taking in every feature. I stepped a little closer, watching her wrap her hands around the mic and sway slightly to the music. When the song concluded she saw me watching her.

"That was beautiful. Perfect." I was being sincere.

"Thanks," she replied giving me a half smile and staring at her feet. I think that was the first thing she'd said directly to me all day. Every time I even caught her eye she looked closed to tears, diverting her attention immediately.

The rest of the rehearsal went as normally as possible. When the set concluded I knew that we needed to speak privately. Something was definitely wrong. I sat my guitar down, quickly being caught in conversation with a sound tech, which I cut as short as possible, running off to find Stevie.

I'd missed her. She must have loaded directly into her waiting car and left. I was becoming increasing frustrated at the situation and I didn't want to continue on this route. I spotted Karen and pulled her aside, asking if everything was okay.

"I'm not trying to make this any harder than it needs to be, I just want to know what I did." Karen would never betray Stevie's confidence and I knew that, but I think she realized I was being genuine.

"Don't worry about it, Lindsey, she just has a lot going on. Brian's out of town for a while and she had something at school for one of the boys tonight, that's why she rushed out of here. Nothing to do with you. Don't be so egotistical," she laughed.

I nodded my head and returned to the stage, gathering my things to leave. I saw a stack of Stevie's things that's she must have forgotten when she made her hurried exit. I contemplated for a bit, but once I realized Karen was gone too I picked them up and took them with me. After all, Brian wasn't home and I could just drop them by her house. Maybe then she'd talk to me.

I went home for a few hours, giving Stevie enough time to return from whatever event she was currently attending. Taking a quick shower, I pulled on a pair of jeans and a tshirt before jumping into my car and heading to the home she shared with Brian. I'd only been here once before before, and the memories weren't so pleasant.

It had been years ago and our fame had gotten the best of all of us, but Stevie was destroying herself. Her parents couldn't reach her, her friends couldn't reach her and Brian couldn't reach her. Her mother called me out of desperation one night and I of course came rushing over. I sat with her that night, on the bathroom floor, just holding her. I talked to her, apologized for the hell I'd put her through over the years. I cried too. For the baby we have up, for the price we had paid for success. I was devastated when we broke up, but at the time I handled it like a real ass, and continued to drive her away from me. She made the decision to get clean after that, and we've never addressed that night, though it was vivid in my memory. Our story was very much public information and I wasn't sure that we'd ever find our way back to each other after Runours, but I never completely gave up hope. And then she married. And with that marriage came an instant family- something I wasn't able to give her, even though I'd wanted to. I watched from afar as she fell in love with raising those boys, and I couldn't possibly be mad about it- motherhood looked good on her and she was so undeniably happy.

I pulled into her driveway, the gate was open so I let myself in.  Once I approached her house I noticed a couple of unfamiliar cars in the driveway, chalking them up to Brian's kids being home. Suddenly I was second guessing myself. I was on unfamiliar turf here, especially if she and I weren't along. I clutched her stack of things, and rang the bell. It was answered by Dylan- I didn't know him well but he'd been around enough that I was familiar with his name. He opened the door as to let me in.

"Stevie!" He yelled though the house, "that guy from your band is here," before retreating to grab his backpack. I closed the door behind me, standing awkwardly in the living room. I watched Dylan pick up a skateboard and his backpack before yelling out once again, "I'm going next door to Tommy's!"

Thank god, I thought. We were alone.

"Dylan Jacob," her voice came through soft but stern from the kitchen. "I have asked you not to yell in this home. And who did you say was here?" She rounded the corner, looking as beautiful as always, but with a brightness to her eyes that I hadn't seen in some time.

"Oh my god, Linds. What are you doing here?"

The brightness faded. She look terrified. What in the hell was I doing here, I asked myself. "Umm, I uh..." THINK, Buckingham, Think!

"Are those my notebooks?" She frowned a bit towards me.

"Yeah, yes. You left them rehearsal and I knew you wouldn't want them to be just laying around all night, so I brought them by." I handed them to her. "I didn't read them," I added. Why was I being so awkward? I'd seen her a few hours before and now I was nervous.

She raised her eyebrow and glanced at me. "I would hope you didn't read them. But no one is dumb enough to make that mistake twice, are they Buckingham?" She winked at me and began to whisper. "Listen Lindsey, thanks for dropping them by, she squeezed my arm, but it's really not a good time," she headed towards the door with me, "I'll call you later, okay?"

"Stevie what's up with you lately?" I wanted to at least know everything was okay before I left.

"I will call you later." She was growing increasingly stern, though her voice was still hushed.

"Ok, well I have to get to the hospital ..." A young blonde girl dressed in scrubs exited the spare room off of Stevie's landing. She froze when she saw me.

"What's going on," I asked Stevie. "Are you okay?"

"Kate, this is-" she began to introduce me but the look on the girl's face fell.

"I have to go," she announced flatly. "I- I have to go." She gathered her things and hurried down the stairs towards the door.

"Kate, wait," Stevie pleaded. "Lindsey just stopped by to-"

"No, it's fine. I just have to get to work." Kate threw on a pair of oversized sunglasses before I got a good look at her, but I did catch a glimpse of her name badge. Kate Gray, St. John's Medical Center.

"Kate, please don't go. Kate? Listen to me..." Stevie's pleas were met with no response.

She left in a hurry and Stevie was immediately distraught, breaking down as soon as her car pulled away. "What are you doing here," she lashed out at me. "You broke me, Lindsey! All those years ago! Why? Why are you here now?"

I was astounded. "Wha- Stevie, what?" What was she talking about? What did I just walk into?