Going Back

On My Mind (Her)

I placed the receiver of the phone back into the cradle. I was in shock. Complete and total shock. Disbelief, almost.

Emma. My sweet little tiny Emma, that I'd been thinking of since the day that she was born. Kate, she said. Everyone called her Kate. She went by her middle name, which probably explains our lack of success with any attempts to find her. So, i finally found my sweet little Kate, who wasn't so little any more. She was a grown woman who lived right here, just down the freeway in Santa Monica. She was a nurse, she said. I think I was so in awe that the conversation was even happening that she could have read me the phone book and I would have clung to every single word. She was bright, intelligent and everything else I had hoped for. My heart was close to exploding.

I could tell she was hesitant to be speaking with me at all, and I couldn't say that I blamed her. I didn't prod too much, letting her lead the majority of the conversation, but answering any questions that she had for me. Even though we spoke for twenty minutes, I had minimal information on her. That was fine, I suppose. A good start. At the end of the call she seemed as though she may want to speak again and that's what had really given me hope. I invited her over for coffee at the end of the week, and she had accepted, although hesitantly. I knew Brian would still be out of town and the boys with be at Lisa's so we'd have our privacy. The timing was perfect. It was several days away but my nerves were already setting in.

Lindsey never came up in conversation, and I didn't want to overwhelm her by bringing him up. She had never asked about her father, perhaps because she had assumed that I had lost touch with him, or maybe because she was just focusing on one thing at a time.

I wasn't quite sure what to do now. I was so excited that I was almost giddy, but I was alone in an empty house and I didn't have anyone to call. Lindsey had never called back and due to the delicate nature of the situation I didn't exactly have a list of people that I could chat with about it.

I wandered outside to the terrace with my journal and began to write about the range of emotion I'd felt that day. I filled page upon page with words describing every detail of what I'd felt over the last hours, only disturbed from my thoughts when Brad strolled in, catching me a bit off guard.

"Hey," he peeked his head out the sliding glass door. "Mind if I join you?"

I smiled, wondering how I'd gotten so lucky as to have these wonderful boys in my life. "Sure, have a seat, but no wine, mister," I teased. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I left a shirt in my room so I stopped by to grab it. Listen," he raised his eyes at me a bit, obviously unsure of how to broach the subject, "is everything alright with you and Dad?"

I sighed. Word travels fast, apparently. "Oh, Brad, I don't want you to worry about it. Your father and I, we've just... well, we've grown apart." My answer was cliche but I wasn't sure what else to tell him.

"Stevie, I'm not five anymore," he chuckled. "I know things between you guys are a little, um, tense right now. But that's just how Dad is, you know? Look, I know Landon and Dylan and I aren't little kids any more and this kind of stuff, well, we just don't want to be left in the dark. I respect your privacy and I probably don't want the details, but It matters to us. I mean, you've been around more than our Dad since we were little kids. We love you, Stevie."

My eyes welled with tears at the sweet words coming from my middle son. "Oh, Bradley," I walked over and gave him a hug. "I feel like I'm so lucky to have been able to watch you guys grow into men, and I'm always going to be here for you. No matter what happens between your father and I my door is always open and I'll always love you and your brothers, okay?"

He nodded that he understood. "Dad really does love you, Stevie. He just doesn't show it very well."

I have him a sad smile, understanding where he was coming from but not about to get into the details of my relationship with his father.

He gathered his things and left, telling me he'd see me sometime next week and I retreated to my bedroom.

For the first time since my daughter was born, I was ending this day with a completely different outlook on life, but one topic continued to weigh on my mind: Lindsey. I suppose I needed to talk to him about the entire situation. What was I going to say though? Aside from my multiple calls in the last 24 hours it had been several years since we had really talked to one another. Of all the complexities in my life right now, he and I were perhaps the most fragile situation. Our past had been nothing if not rocky, and the coming weeks would be touchy to say the least. I just didn't want to do this in a phone call. I'd be seeing him at rehearsals and I knew I'd find the right moment to talk to him there. We always did better with each other in person anyway.

My gate buzzed and I let the delivery driver in, seeing it was my favorite florist. I accepted the giant bouquet with a smile. I was somewhat surprised to receive it as Lindsey had given me a bracelet the night before.  I removed he card from the vase, surprised at the sender.

Stevie-

I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, but losing you would be worst of them. I want to work through this- I love you. I haven't given up on us, and I hope you haven't either.

-Brian

Well, after today's events I certainly had enough to contemplate...