Going Back

Looking In (Him)

I sat on the deck in my back yard sipping a glass of whiskey. Stevie and Kate were upstairs getting the kids to sleep after a long day. I'd loved watching Pierce celebrating his birthday and spending some quality time with Livi, Kate and Stevie but what I couldn't get over was the dynamic between Kate and her soon to be ex husband.

My daughter is an amazing woman- smart, funny, beautiful and such a wonderful mother, yet Tyler treated her so poorly. It has really gotten to me all day. I know the reason those feelings had struck such an nerve with me- there was no secret there. Though I hated the way that he treated to her, I knew that I had been infinitely worse to Stevie when we were young. And I'd never forgiven myself for that. Today was like watching video footage of myself years ago, treating my perfect match like garbage. And it stung. Thinking about all I'd put her through over the years made me sick to my stomach. It was no wonder she'd run to Brian and I'd lost her all those years ago. I'd always hated myself for what I'd done and his I'd acted, but looking in from a new perspective really solidified my self loathing of my own actions. 

Tyler wasn't the only one I was watching today. I'm not exactly sure what happened or when, but I noticed a distinct change between the interactions between Stevie and Kate. While he mother-daughter dynamic was clearly new to both of them, they were embracing their roles and it was beautiful to me. We all had a lot of work to do but the fact that we were pulling together to accomplish it spoke volumes. My priority was Kate as of lately however, I knew that Stevie and I needed to address our relationship. It has been 25 years but the time hasn't come between us.

I wasn't quite sure what had been going on in her relationship with Brian and although it's probably none of my business I was sure something had changed.

Kate and Stevie eventually joined me on the deck and opened a bottle of wine. We discussed what the attorneys had said to her about the custody battle- they were hardly worried given Kate's stability and Tyler's history of irresponsible choices. I could tell, though, that Kate wouldn't stop worrying until she had the final decision- and rightly so.

"It's not that I don't want him to be around, I think Pierce and Livi need their father, I just don't like the thought of being away from them for large chunks of time. And he just disappears- they deserve more stability than that."

"You're going to be okay." I watched Stevie comfort her and didn't intervene.

After a few moments, when she'd pulled herself together a bit more, I broke the silence. "Kate, have you thought more about my suggestion?"

She shrugged her shoulders silently, unsure how to proceed.

Stevie gave me a questioning look, her eyes quickly refocusing on Kate.

"Daddy wants me to quit my job when this is all over with. Stay home until the kids are older. I don't know."

"I just want you to know it's an option," I interjected. "Enjoy your time with them while they're little. You know that the three of you will be taken care of financially."

I could tell that she was mulling it over so I didn't push.

Stevie gave me a tender smile. "I agree. Don't miss this time with them if you don't have to, sweetheart," she added, patting her hand.

Our conversation drifted to logistics of the next few weeks, Stevie and I assuring her that we would be there for the court date if at all possible. Eventually Kate's exhausting day and a few glasses of red wine caught up with her and she drug herself off to bed.

It was just the two of us. Suddenly I was nervous. I felt the need to say so many things, but I wasn't sure what kind of headspace she was currently in and I didn't want to over step my bounds in our new found dynamic.

I watched her for a moment, as she sipped her Cabernet, staring into the nothingness of the night sky. The truth, I decided, would be a good place to start.

"Stevie, I-" she looked at me, so solemn, so lost in her own thoughts. I had clearly pulled her from where she was- and I could tell that she was the same place as I was a few hours ago, 1972. I studied her face, very aware of the tears welling in her eyes, threatening to fall. The  image choked me up to.

"I'm so sorry," I almost whispered. "For everything. The way I've treated you, the fights, the blame, the yelling. I pushed you away all those years ago, I didn't fight for our family like I should have. I should have come to you, begged for forgiveness. It's no wonder that I lost you to him. All the things I've said, my god, I don't- I don't know why you put up with me."

There were volumes I could write on what I'd done wrong, and reasons I had to be sorry, but somehow I knew that I didn't want to open that detailed Pandora's box tonight. She understood me- she'd lived it too.

She moved towards me, gently sitting on my lap and placing a soft kiss on my forehead, her hand cupping my cheek. "I'm sorry too, baby," was all she could muster. But it's all I needed. She's always understood me.

We sat in comfortable silence for a while, her head on my shoulder as I felt her fingers in my curls, my arms wrapped gently around her petite body.

Our moment ended when the lights from her car came down my driveway, right on time.

"Are you sure you have to go," I questioned. "You can always stay here?" I searched her face for an answer, hoping she would agree.

She shook her head, declining. I supposed she was probably right. Kate and the kids were upstairs and I'm sure her boys were at home. I knew though, that this was my signal. I had to fight for her, before I missed what could be my last chance.

I walked her out to her car, opening the door as she stepped in.

"See you in the morning," she told me, giving my hand a squeeze.

It may have been presumptuous but I leaned in and kissed her somewhat chastely on the lips, lingering a bit, and she certainly didn't pull away.

"Goodnight, Angel."

She smiled gently. "Goodnight, Linds."