Going Back

After Midnight (Him)

I sat in silence for a few moments after Kate went to bed. She was right. This is ridiculous. But what was I supposed to do? I never wanted it to fall apart in the first place. I never wanted her to go. It's been nine weeks since that night in her dressing room when she told me she didn't want to move forward.

I handled it incorrectly, that much I freely admit. But what did she think I'd say? I didn't want to remain in limbo with her indefinitely. After all these years we were finally able to be together again. We had our whole little family and she- well she was fine without us. History often repeats itself and I've felt the sting of her denial before. She'd turned me down multiple times over the years and I have to say that it's never gotten any easier.

I leaned my guitar back into its stand, cradling my head in my hands and thinking back to that night. I'd walked off to cool down. I knew I couldn't discuss anything rationally with her at the moment so I forced myself to get some fresh air and a bit of perspective. I walked a few blocks around the arena, the cold night wind stinging my face. She was probably right. She probably just needed some time to think. Once I finally convinced myself that she wasn't running, I went back to the arena to get her. To apologize, to talk it out and work it out. But she wasn't there. I looked all over for her. I searched the arena and Mick's wrap party. I went back to our hotel room to find her things were gone. Though I'd convinced myself otherwise only earlier that night, I was faced with the realization that I was wrong. She had run away from me.

The weeks continued to tick by and it only got worse for me. I was trying to give her the space that she'd made it clear that she needed but she never called. It made me ill. Physically ill.

I know I've retreated back lately. I've put space between the world and myself that I didn't intend to. It's just my way, I suppose. I think Kate understands, though it doesn't make me feel any less guilty about it. I want so badly to ask her a thousand more questions but I can't put her in the middle of this. Though I'm currently heartbroken and desperate for more information I know our history and I know that it can get infinitely uglier between Stevie and I very quickly. I'll always protect Kate from that at all costs.

I know Pierce is upset, though, that I'm so reclusive lately. And for that I feel awful. My little family makes me happier than I ever knew possible, but even with them living in the house I still feel a gaping hole where Stevie belongs. With us.

I think about us all eating dinner together and playing with the kids. Babysitting when Kate wants to go out. I think about her holding sweet little Livi. And that usually brings me back to the image of her holding Kate for those few fleeting moments when she was a newborn. That images I have always carried with me.

I shook myself out of it, unable to let myself go that far back at the moment. I knew it would end in disaster and I'd end up adding another empty bottle to the already overflowing bin. Our little talk tonight made me realize I need some kind of a plan. I thought this album would take my mind off of things but in reality it just felt like someone had amplified the volume of the thoughts in my mind. She was everywhere. In every melody, every lyric. It was like she was staring back at me when Kate smiled, when Pierce laughed or when I held Livi.  There was no escaping here, not that I ever wanted to. But my mind needed rest. It couldn't go on thinking that there was the possibility I'd lost her forever. It was a fine line. One I didn't yet care to cross.

I sighed, leaning back into my work out chair. I'd do anything to have her back. Anything. But I'm walking on thin ice right now. Pushing her any farther than I already have could ultimately lead to really scaring her away. And ruining our professional relationship too.

I had the keys to my car in my hand before I even realized what I was doing. It was as if my body was going through the motions before my brain could catch up. There I was, driving to her house. Sitting on the shoulder of the road outside her gates. I paused for a moment, trying not to make an irrational mistake for once in my life. I thought I sat there for a few minutes. Perhaps only a few seconds, but when I pulled myself from my thoughts I realized that I'd been there for hours. It was 5 am. I shook my head, realizing that my odds of being greeted with open arms were minimal. I started my car and pulled away. I was defeated.