Going Back

Connected (Him)

Pierce wrapped his arms around my neck and was clearly giddy with excitement.

"Missed you, Papa," he exclaimed.

"I missed you too, buddy," I told him all the enthusiasm in the world.

I pulled Stevie closer and wrapped her up with my other arm, terrified at the reaction that this would evoke in her. I wanted for Kate to introduce her kids to Stevie, not for another bomb to be dropped on her this evening. This wasn't my intention. He's always asleep by this time- I really thought he'd be back at the hotel with the nanny by now.

I entered my dressing room, closing the door the door behind me. Pierce was looking quizzically at Stevie, his head resting on my shoulder, and she at him still clinging tightly to my free hand, nether of them saying a word.

"Kate?" I called out. Perhaps she was in the back room.

"Daddy?"

I could feel Stevie physically tense at the term of endearment. This was not going the way I thought it would. None of it was. The last thing I wanted was for tonight to aggravate the situation.

Kate peeked out of the back room, a big smile on her face. "PJ, did you find your Papa?" Pierce grinned and nodded his head that he did indeed find me as Kate walked over to us. "Stevie, this is my son Pierce. He's a little shy if you couldn't tell," she chuckled, tickling him a bit.

I watched as Stevie tried to interact with him but Pierce was having none of it. Stevie was usually wonderful with kids and they always warmed up to her immediately but he just clung to me for dear life. After a few moments I moved us over to the couch where he sat on my lap, Stevie next to me. I could tell he was listening to her bit just wasn't sure who she was. Eventually Kate and Stevie both began to chat and he lost interest in the entire situation and slid down onto the floor where he continued to play as we watched him.

"He's just absolutely perfect, Kate. You've done such a great job with him." Stevie reached out and patted Kate's knee, moving closer to where she sat.

Kate was beaming from the compliment. I sat back into the cushions on the couch and let them chat, Kate telling Stevie all about Pierce. "I also have a four month old daughter," she added almost nervously, "her name is Olivia. She's sleeping but I need to feed her before we go if you'd like to meet her?"

"Of course." Stevie stood and followed her in, obviously a little in shock that all of this was happening. I remained where I was giving the two of them a few moments alone as I slid onto the floor to join Pierce.

Kate retuned not long after and began to gather Pierce things to send the kids back to the hotel with the nanny. "She's rocking Liv to sleep," Kate told me, knowing exactly what I was thinking when I raised an eyebrow.

"You doing okay with all of this," I asked.

"Yeah," she nodded her head, not looking up from what she was doing.

"It's okay if you're not," I continued. "We can all sit down and talk tonight after the party, sweetie."

"I said I'm fine, Dad, and I'm fine."

I stood and walked over to her, placing my hand over the bag that she was riffling through, causing her to look up at me.

"We've talked about this before, Katie. You don't have to be okay all the time. You can tell me."

She looked up and me and nodded. "It's just- it's a lot, you know? All at once. And I don't know what to do next. Or what to say around her. Livi is better with her than I am."

"Kate, don't be silly. She was just telling me a few minutes ago about how nervous she is about you not liking her. She wants to have you in her life, sweetie." I put my arm around her. "You two can sit down and talk this week, alright? I think it would be good for both of you. Why don't you finish packing up and get little man into the car with the nanny and Stevie and I will bring Livi out in a minute, okay?"

"Thanks," she whispered, giving me a somber smile and throwing Pierce's backpack on and heading to the exit with him in tow.

I walked to the back room, leaning in the door frame and watching her sway with the baby in the dark, lightly humming a familiar tune. I finally approached her from behind, wrapping my arms around both of them and kissing Stevie lightly in the hair. I just stared at Olivia for a while, standing in silence with the two of them. "Are you okay," I eventually questioned.

She shook her head as to state that she was but I knew that silent tears were falling. The room was silent as Livi slept soundly in Stevie's arms, snuggled in closely to her as though it was the most comfortable spot in the world. She knew nothing about our family dynamic, but she was drawn to Stevie, as though they were connected on a deeper level, and I could tell that Stevie was instantly enthralled with her.

"They look just like each other, don't they," I finally choked out. The second I saw Livi for the first time I knew she was a little duplicate of her mother and grandmother, and now as she lay sleeping in Stevie's arms my observation was certainly confirmed. I was transported back in time to the day Stevie gave birth to our sweet little girl. The few moments when everything was completely perfect in my world.

I had a lump in my throat thinking for the millionth time about what she and I gave up. The price that we paid for fame.