Going Back

Unanswered (Her)

Eventually the sun came through my windows, waking me from my slumber. Though I had gone to bed nearly twelve hours ago I was anything but refreshed. This day was never the easiest on the calendar for me, and I often spent it locked away thinking of Emma, but this year I had to add insult to injury- in a few hours Brian would be here to pick me up for the trip he believed I would accompany him on, and I was going to end my marriage.

I rolled onto my back and sighed. I really didn't want to do this. I just wanted it to all be perfect again. Yes, we'd had problems beyond repair for some time, and yes, I knew I was making the right decision, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt.

I took a quick shower before changing into some comfortable clothes and wandering downstairs to make myself a cup of tea. Brain would be here any minute. I stared out the window to our backyard, thinking of all the memories we'd made when the opening of the front door pulled me from my thoughts.

"You're not ready."

"Hello to you too," I turned around. I could tell he was already agitated with me.

He looked around the downstairs, presumably trying to locate my luggage. "Are you even packed?"

"Brian..." I began somewhat hesitantly. "I'm not going with you."

He pinched the bridge of his nose, annoyed. "Come on, Stephanie, you know this is important to me."

"Don't call me Stephanie." He knew that annoyed me to no end but still elected to use my given name to make his point. To this day there remained only 1 person who could get away with calling me that.

He looked at his watch. "I don't have time for these games, we have a flight to catch."

"You're not listening to me. I'm not going with you. Brian, we need to talk..."

"Seriously? Right now? I'm late, I have an important week at work, and now you're pulling this stunt?"

"I'm not pulling anything," I responded, barely above a whisper.

"You know what, Stevie? Do whatever you need to this week. We'll talk about this when I get back." He grabbed his keys and left.

"Brian, wait..." this is not what I how I wanted this to happen, but my call to him sent unanswered as he exited the house, slamming the front door.

I wasn't quite sure what had just happened. I thought for whatever reason that we'd have an adult conversation and... well I wasn't sure what came after that conversation. I guess I had a week to think about it though.

I called Karen and had her set up an appointment with my attorney and accountant. I needed to be proactive, I couldn't just let his dismissive behavior change my mind on this or prolong it indefinitely.

I also knew I needed to get out of the house, gathering my things and heading to the spa for the afternoon, hoping to escape my thoughts.

When I returned, however, I wasn't in much of a better frame of mind. Sure, I had a fresh manicure, but aside from that nothing had really changed. I sat down in my study, carefully crafting my letter to Emma on her birthday, telling her of my hopes and dreams for her, and how I thought about her constantly. Lost in my thoughts as I often was, I found myself wondering what she looked like, if her hair was curly like Lindsey's or blonde like mine, if she has his eyes or my nose. What she likes, and even where she is. Was she in this city? Or on the other side of the world? Do I pass her every day or have I never even entered her thoughts? The afternoon had gotten away from me and before I new it the sun had set.

I had eaten a light meal at the spa but I suddenly craved something sweet. Birthday cake, I suppose. I stared at the phone for a few minutes, mentally questioning if calling Lindsey was the dumbest thing I could do right now. I determined that it was pretty high on the list but I dialed his number regardless. I'll chalk it up to the full moon, beaming in through my windows. Again his phone rang and rang with no answer, though this time I didn't leave a message. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had been holed in his studio all day. It wasn't uncommon for him, and on this date I'm sure he sought refuge amongst his guitars, much as I turned to my journal.

As soon as I sat the phone back onto the receiver though, it began to ring. A smile crossed my face before I even answered, knowing it had to be him calling me back.

"Hey there," I almost gushed, taken aback by my own greeting.

I was met with silence on the other end.

"Hello?" I knew someone was there because I could hear the background noise, but I was unsure of who it could possibly be. Certainly not Lindsey.

The caller began to speak again and I was immediately brought to tears.