Going Back

Talk to Me (Her)

I was running myself ragged. Even though we were home from New York we were still rehearsing almost daily, Brian was in town and we were in marriage counseling and the boys were at our house for the whole summer.

The boys are great. Having them around is amazing and my heart feels so full. They make me laugh and they're all three so sweet to me. I really got lucky with them. There's always commotion and about a million people in and out of our house and at the dinner table at any given point but on some levels I really love it. A big family has its challenges but it keeps me busy and keeps me laughing. I just wish Kate were with us.

I've reached out to her several times but we haven't made much headway. I'm not sure why it's not clicking. She's had to reschedule several times. She keeps telling me that things are coming up, and apologizing but at this point I'm honestly not sure if she's just making excuses. I'm sure she carries a lot of heavy emotions towards me, and I can't say that I blame her, but it breaks my heart that we have barely had a chance. I'd invited her on vacation with us for two weeks to Belize but she declined stating she couldn't get away for that amount of time.

As for my marriage- I'm not sure what to think. Brian is being, well, great. We've been attending counseling and he's so attentive. He's almost overly attentive. If I'm being honest it gives me an uneasy feeling. But I promised I'd give this a try so I am. Or, at least I appear to be going through the proper motions.  I slept with Lindsey a few weeks ago and haven't stopped thinking of him since, so what does that say about me? But maybe this vacation is what I need to clear my head.

Lindsey. He had been on the forefront of my mind. Something had really clicked in me the night that I spent with him in New York. Feelings that I forgot existed. It made me wonder what I'd forgotten- what I'd forced myself to forget. I'd see him any second though.

I'm currently siting perched on my stool center stage at our last rehearsal. Though I was uncharacteristically early, Lindsey was a little late. Not actually late, we didn't start for another 20 minutes, but usually he was here hours beforehand, tuning guitars and working with sound guys.

The rest of us were chatting about our plans for the next weeks, time off and vacations, when we heard the side door slam, all turning to see Lindsey walking towards us with intent. We all knew that look. It was going to be a rough day. Christine and I exchanged glances as we heard him toss his sunglasses and keys down on a case and storm onto stage, throwing a guitar over her shoulder and looking at us.

"Let's go," he barked. "I want to get through this."

We all stood there, somewhat stunned. When one of us moved he turned away from us and told the sound booth that he'd just get his out of the way, immediately diving into Big Love. I watched him play with a malice I hadn't seen in him for many years. Mick raised his eyebrows at, almost asking me to handle it, before returning to sit behind his kit.

I studied him as he performed, wondering what could have set him off. He was fine yesterday. Fine to me, fine on stage, fine to all of us.

As the song ended. He didn't even look at us, just stating, "from the top," into the microphone and sending us right into The Chain.

After a few songs I suggested a break, an idea that was met with his open dissatisfaction. The other three cleared out as quickly as possible.

"Talk to me, Lindsey." I was sure what else to say as I approached him. My time was soft and I was being sincere. I wanted to know what was wrong.

He glared at me. "This isn't the place or the time. Are we going to get through this set or what?" I glanced over at the other three.

"Lindsey, not until you calm down." I wasn't going to deal with his temper today. He just shook his head. "Talk to me, Lindsey! This is ridiculous!"

As soon as I raised my voice he spun around to face me.

"Talk to you? Talk to you? I just told you this wasn't the place but obviously my feelings aren't something you're considering lately so alright, have it your way!"

Based on the way he was yelling I think I was picking a bigger fight than I knew. We'd avoided drama so far but a Buckingham Nicks blowout wasn't exactly new to this group. I must have had a confused look on my face because he just kept going.

"Anything you want to tell me, Stevie?" He leaned forward and I was taken aback. "Anything at all? Think hard. Think really fucking hard, Stephanie." He was about a foot from my face, glaring at me. We hadn't spoke to each other like this in many years. I was immediately wondering if I should have agreed to this. And definitely questioning sleeping with him- and how I'd handled it.

"Lindsey," I barely made a peep. "What are you talking about?"

He studied my face for a moment. Staring back at him I watched his features fade from livid to hurt. He removed his guitar and sat it on the stand. When he spoke, his tone had mellowed as well. "You know what, Stevie? Forget it. I can't do this today. See you guys in two weeks." He turned on his heels and walked out, Mick calling after him to no avail. I sat where I was, stunned at our exchange.