Going Back

Emma (Emma)

I sat back into my couch with a little sigh, taking a forkful of a store bought slice of cake. Some birthday, I thought. I surveyed the mayhem in my living room, stuffed animals and crayons left over from tonight's before bed activities. I'm not sure how long I'd been watching this cartoon without my children,  but I'd had enough of the talking tiger in the red sweater so I flipped the TV off and turned the radio on. Much better. I had always loved my little Santa Monica condo but I feared we were about to outgrow it.

I'd had a long day at work, never even being able to stop for lunch, followed by an evening with a hyper little boy who didn't want to go to bed and a colicky little girl. I thought that maybe my husband would call. That Tyler would at least check on the kids, if not wish me a happy birthday. We'd been 'on a break' for the better part of a month and though I'd been optimistic that maybe we just needed a little bit of time apart it was now becoming clear to me that this was indeed the beginning of the end for us.

I'd met Tyler when I was twenty, we had a few classes together and I was immediately attracted to him. He did everything with full intensity and right away I was smitten. His interests changed quite a bit though, and soon he had quit school in search of fortune in some pyramid scheme he just knew he could get rick quick with.  It was something new every few weeks with him, but I was young and I thought I was in love so as soon we moved in together and I worked while Tyler schemed. I hadn't even been out of school and working as a nurse for more than 2 months when I got pregnant and Tyler wanted to marry immediately. I was ecstatic at the thought of having my own little family and immediately said yes, wanting to provide the perfect little white picket fence life for my baby.

Things didn't go so well though. Just like everything else he did, Tyler eventually lost interest in me. I had our son and returned to work as quickly as possible, Tyler never holding a steady job. I ignored a lot of things but my marriage still deteriorated rapidly. I remembered the pep talk I'd had with myself on the previous year's birthday, telling myself I had to be brave. I could make it on my own and I had to do it. Tyler wasn't a bad person, don't get me wrong, but my life just turning out as I'd hoped and I knew I needed to get in control of things before they got even more complicated. Two days later I found out I was pregnant again.

So here I am, another birthday alone. Birthdays are always a funny thing for me. Everyone around me celebrating while I always wondered where I came from. I was adopted from somewhere in the Bay Area, I knew that, and raised in Pasadena. My parents, or at least the people whom I consider to be my parents, were killed in a car accident when I was seventeen. After I lost them I wasn't sure what to do. I moved in with an elderly aunt until I went off to UCLA. I think that's probably why I clung to the idea of Tyler and I being s little family, I wanted to create what was missing- what had always been missing to some degree.

When I found out I was pregnant last year I all of the sudden had this urge to find my birth mother. I'd done a little a little bit of research and after a few months I was presented with a file containing a minimal amount of information including a contact number for her, as well as one for my fathers attorney. I'd held onto the information, unsure of how to proceed. I'd wanted it so badly, but now that I had it I couldn't pull the trigger. I must have opened that file a thousand times before, only to close it before making the phone call. I'd wondered about so many things- what I what they were like, if I looked like them, I'd we had things in common. I wondered where I got this blonde hair with the big curls, and my blue eyes. I wondered if I had inherited my temper from them. My love of music? Or my affinity for the ocean. I was always too afraid that they wouldn't want to be contacted after all this time to ever actually call, to try and find some answers.

Something was different tonight though. I'll chalk it up to the full moon. I double checked to make sure the kids were still sleeping soundly and stepped onto the balcony, leaving the slider just barely cracked.

I picked up the phone and dialed, unsure what I would even say if someone answered, but knowing if I waited any longer I'd chicken out.

"Hey there," I was met by a kind, warm voice.

I froze.

"Hello?" She was clearly confused by what was going on, and she wasn't the only one caught off guard.

I cleared my threat. "Erm, yes, umm, may I speak with Stephanie?"

"This... this is she?" She answered almost as though she wasn't sure.

"Oh. Hello." There's really no good bridge into this bombshell, I thought. "Um, Stephanie, my name is Emma Grey and I'm..."

I was cut off by a sharp intake of breath on the other line, immediately followed by sobbing.

Oh. I guess she does know who I am.