Going Back

The Morning After (Her)

As I emerged from his large bathroom he stood clad in only his boxers, his body between the disheveled bed and myself, the morning light peeking in through the curtains. I stood for a brief moment, now fully dressed, looking him up and down while providing no indications of my thoughts. He shifted his weight nervously, and I could tell he was searching for something to say.

I shook my head before he could begin. "Lindsey, don't." I didn't even make eye contact with him, attempting to move about the room, grabbing my belongings from where they were haphazardly tossed the night before. God, the night before. What was I doing? I hadn't acted that way in so many years- but then again I hadn't had the desire to in equally as long.

I never meant for him to feel like a one night stand, like it was some casual hook up, because it wasn't. I didn't want him to think it didn't mean anything- every waking moment of my life spent with him meant something to me. But right now it couldn't mean anything. I had to figure this out for myself. One wild night of lust with Lindsey could turn things upside down for me in every aspect of my life, but I refused to let it. I just had to collect myself. I suddenly felt myself spiraling out of control again and running back to Lindsey absolutely wasn't a good idea right now. Though I suppose of all my preferred vices, he was the best option.

I'm not even sure how this happened. We were talking, he ordered a some wine from room service, only a bottle though, and we started looking at some music and got side tracked. At some point he leaned in and kissed me- and I certainly reciprocated. I had probably been giving off stronger signals than I realized that night, but something about him made it impossible for me to resist. Always did. Always will.

It had been so long, but everything was the same. As soon as his lips touched mine I felt like I'd been transported back twenty five years to our little apartment, to the best time in my life. He still knew every inch of my body. And though we had both aged, nothing had changed. He moved with intent, making me feel things that I had all but forgotten were possible. And I can think with a fair amount of certainty he wasn't disappointed either. There was always that spark between us, emotionally and physically, and last night was testament that it hasn't faded with time.

I forced myself to focus on the present as I placed a few items into my purse, nervously attempting to zip the top and get out of there as soon as possible. My first instinct was still to flee, and he knew it.

"Stephanie, look at me."

He was standing behind me, but I froze, not knowing what I could say or do at this movement that wouldn't make this a million times worse. I looked down at my purse, specifically my towards my left hand, which was barren of my wedding band. My fingers had swollen on the way out here and I had removed them. I knew they were sitting safely in the vault in my hotel room, but they should have been on my hand. How did this happen? I felt awful.

He touched my shoulder and I flinched a bit. "Stevie we have to talk about this. I don't want everything to fall apart between us.

I bit my lip, still not replying. Our actions could have so many repercussions. Finally I turned to face him and saw nothing but kindness in his eyes.

"Hey, are you okay?" He searched my face for an answer. "I'd like it if you stayed for a while, we can order breakfast and talk," he wrapped his arms around me.

"I can't." It was all I could get out. "I can't."

He nodded his head in understanding, though I doubt he did. "Alright. Well at least let me call you a car and walk you out, I don't want you down there alone."

I nodded my agreement.

My entire intent last night was to tell Lindsey about our daughter. That Kate was back in my life, and I hope his as well. But I didn't even find the nerve to do that. And now my mind was going a million miles a minute.

"Talk to me, Steph."

I looked up at him. "What?"

"What's going on with you and Brian? I know something's up- you haven't stopped by to see me in years."

He had a point. "It's complicated, Lindsey. We're, um, separated, but I don't know. He said he wants to try and work on it, but in just so lost." I began to cry again. "I should be fixing it, not making things worse."

He wrapped his arms around me. "You know I'm always here for you, Angel. And I want whatever makes you happy. You deserve someone who loves you for the incredible woman you are, you know that right?"

I closed my eyes to prevent more tears from falling but a sob still escaped my lips as I held onto him for dear life. I realized at the moment I was mourning the loss of my life with Lindsey more than the end of my marriage.