Going Back

Walks on the Beach (Her)

We'd been in Belize for four days and I stood on the front porch of our vacation home as I watched my husband's cab pull down the driveway to take him to the airport. Four days.

He'd had an emergency come up at work, he told me. He had to fly to Baltimore as quickly as he could to save the deal, he told me, and that he would miss me the entire time. That he was so upset that we didn't get to spend the time as a family.

Please. I'm not stupid. I've been ignoring the obvious for years. So run along to your little tartlet on the side who probably thinks you're endearing. But you can't even spend two weeks a year with your sons? That's what's really frustrating.

We'd actually done a lot of talking in the past few days, once we were all settled in down here. Something's missing from our romantic connection for Brian and I, and I'm aware of that. But at the same time he has been my husband for ten years, so I was able to unload a bit. I needed to talk to someone and I had to be discreet. It helped- I can feel my stress disappear with every waking hour. I sighed. Who am I kidding? It's my proximity to the ocean, not to Brian. He's never understood me the way that Lindsey has.

What? I physically shake my head like the thoughts will scatter with force. Why is Lindsey even on my mind? We'd barely even been around each other in a decade. I'm probably the last thing he's thinking of. Why would I think he still understands me the way he used to? Well, probably because I just know he does. If I'm honest I realize he will always get me on a deeper level. But usually I won't allow myself to admit it.

I did talk to Brian about Kate, though. He encouraged me to temporarily keep my distance from her just a little bit. He told me he thought that if I gave her some space she'd be able to process all of this in her own time and then she'd come to me. It wasn't bad advice, exactly, it just wasn't what I wanted to hear. He had a point, though. She seemed reluctant to come by and when I'd thrown anything out of the ordinary at her, like this vacation, she'd turned me down very quickly. I couldn't say I blamed her, this was all new for both of us, but despite Brian's advice I just had the overwhelming urge to run to her and just love her. 

Not knowing what to do, I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote her a letter. I likely wouldn't send it but I'd certainly put it in the box with the dozens of others I'd written her over the years. When I was finished, I wrote one to Lindsey as well. Not being able to talk to him about all of this was just absolutely eating me up inside. We should be overcome with happiness. I'd dreamt of this moment for so long and I just wanted the three of us to be blissfully happy. Maybe I'd built it up in my head too much.

"Stevie?"

I was pulled from my thoughts by Dylan's knocking. "Hi," I lay my pen down and closed my journal, sitting it on the bedside table. "What's up?"

"Did Dad leave?" He was looking around the bedroom for his father's belongings.

I sighed. "Yes. I'm sorry, he had something come up for work and he had to get back. I thought he told you guys before his cab arrived."

Dylan shook his head 'no' indicating he was unaware of his father's departure but didn't seem to be overly upset about it.

"How was the fishing trip with your brothers," I questioned, immediately retrieving some aloe from the bathroom for what I could already tell was going to be a bad sunburn on Dylan.

"Oh, it was pretty okay I guess."

I smirked. It was hard to get excitement about anything from this child. I handed him the aloe. "Be careful in the sun this week. Plenty of sunscreen and use this on tour nose and shoulders."

He nodded his head and I peeked out into the hallway to see Brad and Landon both emerging from their rooms, freshly showered from their fishing adventure and also sunburnt. "Boys! What did I tell you about sunscreen?"

They both chuckled. I'd been coating them in SPF 50 since they were just little guys.

"Dad left," Dylan stated flatly. His announcement was met without surprise from his brothers. If my face revealed disappointment it was only on behalf of the boys.

"Stevie, we caught dinner," Landon changed the topic.

"Yeah, the captain showed us where to take it for them to cook our catch. Get changed so we can go to dinner," Brad chimed in.

I happily complied and I have to admit that I had a wonderful time at dinner listening to the boys stories of fighting fish at sea. "We've gotta do that again, that was sick," Dylan noted. "But only if you come this time Stevie."

I declined. Sport fishing really wasn't my cup of tea but they were so insistent and assured me that there was an indoor cabin so I could stay out of the sun.

I told them I'd think about it and we began to walk back from our dinner to our vacation home. Brad and Dylan were in front of us and Landon strolled along at my pace.

"What's going on with you and Dad?"

"What do you mean?" I was caught off guard with the question.

"Come on, Stevie, I'm not a kid. I'm shocked that you've put up with his shit for this long."

"Landon!" I scolded him. He was right. I chuckled a little but. "I know you're not 8 anymore but I still picture you as my little guy which the big toothless smile. It's complicated, Landon, but it's nothing that you need to worry about, and certainly nothing to blame your father for."

"But we do worry about it. Dylan talked to me this morning about how it's been at home. You're our family, Stevie. And we want you to be happy but we also don't want to lose you. I know that's selfish but we love you. Dad's never around and our Mom is gone half the time. We grew up with you. All my memories of holidays and vacations are just the three of us and you. When I think about playing little league or Brad swimming competitively it was always you in the stands cheering us on, or bandaging injuries or breaking up brotherly fights. You raised us, Stevie."

I teared up at his little speech. "Oh, Landon. I hope you guys know how much I love each of you. You're my babies, and nothing is going to change that, no matter what happens between your father and I." I gave him a hug and he squeezed me back, picking me up a little. "I'll make you a deal, Landon. I'll join you guys fishing tomorrow if you'll come on tour with me for a week. The first week is fairly busy but you guys can hang out in Chicago and kind of see what I do. I've wanted to share that part of my life with you guys for years but your dad has never wanted that. It's not easy and there's a lot that goes on that I wouldn't have wanted you guys around as tiny kids, but what do you say?"

"We'd love that! You've got a deal, Little Mama!"

I smiled a little as Landon yelled up the beach to inform them that I'd accompany them on the boat.