Going Back

At the Door (Her)

The road was taking its toll on me. We weren't even touring- just away for media and rehearsals in New York. But the stress of being back in this environment was getting to me.

I had just gotten off of the phone with Brian and Kate, respectively. My husband had nothing to say to me. Neither did my daughter. Kate had a wall up and I wasn't sure why. Sometimes she'd get off on a tangent and I'd see this vibrant, beautiful side of her personality shining through, and then, inevitably, she'd snap back to reality and tell me she had to go. "Well I'm home," she'd say, "have to go. Goodbye." It was like clockwork. But at least she was calling me. I could count on hearing from her at least twice a week as she was leaving her shift at the hospital. I wanted to spend more time with her as soon as I returned to California. I'd offered to fly her out here, hoping maybe we could bond a bit in the city and do some shopping, but she had repeatedly declined with little explanation.

More than anything though, withholding her from Lindsey was eating at me. He'd been so loving and so supportive for so many years and I knew he missed her too. I couldn't continue to keep her from him.

I'd made up my mind. I called a car and touched up my makeup before grabbing my purse and heading downstairs. Due to capacity issues and someone's good judgement the five of us were spread about the city- giving each of us the necessary space to decompress during the evenings.

I gave my chauffeur the address to Lindsey's hotel and enjoyed watching the bustling city go by. My ride was only a few blocks but as I entered the lobby of Lindsey's hotel, I realized I hadn't called first. I stood, unmoving, before sitting on a bench near the atrium, well out of the way of foot traffic, and well hidden behind the large foliage.  The last time I hadn't called, 21 years prior, was still vivid in my memory.

-1976-

I never thought Lindsey and I would be here. That the fame could rip us apart like this. I'd wanted success as an artist so badly that I was willing to give up everything in its pursuit- but now that I had it I was full of regret. Lindsey and I's breakup during Rumours was anything but private. I knew that I had initiated the break up but I thought we'd get through it. I never thought that things would get this bad. I wanted the old Lindsey back- I wanted to go back to an easier time.

Lindsey was my everything and when we broke up that didn't change. I had been going through the motions for months. We fought like cats and dogs- both truly awful to each other, but we still had some cosmic connection. I couldn't love like this anymore, so I found myself in his driveway at 11:00 at night. I checked my appearance the mirror one more time. I was sure to be wearing the earrings he gave me for our daughter's first birthday. Even though she wasn't with us he'd scraped up enough to buy them for me, making sure the date didn't go unnoticed. And even this year- in the midst of our tumultuous breakup- he didn't let it go unnoticed. That meant the world to me, and spoke volumes about the depth of our love. I had to get him back.

I rang his bell, shifting my weight a bit as I waited for him to answer the door. I was nervous but I had to do this- and in person. He has to know I was sincere.

The door swung open and I was met with a smiling Lindsey. The smile fell, however, the second he saw me.

"Stevie." It was more of a statement of fact than a greeting.

"Lindsey- I'm so sorry," I could barely get anything out through my tears when I saw her round the corner behind him.

"Who's at the door Lindsey?" The perky blonde asked from his living room.

Lindsey was silent. All that could be heard was my sharp intake of breath before I turned and left as quickly as I came, more heartbroken than ever before. But I knew he saw the look of devastation in my eyes. That was never lost on either of us.

-Present Day-

I rubbed the bridge of my nose anther memory- a feeling of emptiness in my core that I had never forgotten. That night was one of my lowest points. I told myself I was stupid to think would wait on me. And that I would never go back. I tried to drown out my feelings with drugs and alcohol and when I eventually sobered up I met Brian and the rest is history, I suppose.

But here I sat, 2 decades later, wondering why I hadn't called first. It had been years- and I was married to someone else, but I didn't know if I could take it if he want alone up there.

Maybe I should just go, I thought to myself. I can't believe that I'm even here. But I told myself I owed it to him, and that I had to do this- knowing full well that I was craving his presence. I pressed the button for his floor on the elevator and stepped off into the empty hallway, glad that I had gone unrecognized thus far. My heartbeat increased ten fold as I approached his room. His proximity over the past few months had stirred something inside me, and even if I wasn't ready to admit it, I felt it.

I knocked softly and shifted my weight, nervous for him to answer.

"Stevie?" He was clearly caught off guard to see me.

I smiled a bit, unsure of what to say.

He stepped aide and opened the door, letting me in before closing it behind me and wrapping me in a hug.

"It's good to see you," he kissed my cheek. "What brings you by? Everything okay?"

I smiled a bit. "Yeah, Linds. Everything's fine."

And I knew somehow it really would be as I made myself comfortable on his couch.