Going Back

What's Next (Her)

After months on the road and more major life changes than I ever dreamed I'd endure the tour was coming to an end. We had one final show and that was that. Lindsey and I have managed to reconnect, beating the odds. I have a strong relationship with my daughter and grandchildren and I've got nothing holding me back anymore.

I'd talked to Lisa about the boys and it seems as though my role in their lives isn't going to change much. Lisa and Brian will still be traveling frequently for work so Dylan will be with me when they're gone. I have to feel relief at that knowledge, knowing that my biggest worry through this entire divorce process isn't coming to fruition.

I walked into my dressing room, still on a performance high from the last show of the tour, knowing Lindsey would be following close behind me. We'd change and join the others for a wrap party to celebrate the end of the tour and then board a plane home tomorrow morning. We'd had fun the last few months and in addition to reconnecting with Lindsey I'd enjoyed spending time with Christine too.

My door opened and Lindsey snuck in, locking it behind him and moving directly towards me. His arms instinctively encircled my waist and he kissed the crook of my neck, catching my gaze in the mirror.

I smiled seductively at him and he playfully tugged at the laces on my corset. I turned to kiss him, taking the lead, but he slowed me.

"There's actually something I wanted to talk to you about," he kissed the top of my head.

He pulled me onto the couch and I curled up close to him.

"What's going on, Lindsey?"

"Everything has just been going so great for us, Angel. I'm so happy," he tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

"Me too, Linds," I grinned seductively, trying to resume where he'd left off.

"Stevie," he playfully scolded me. "I'm serious. Everything has been great this whole tour but- Where are we? We're going home tomorrow."

I shrugged my shoulders a bit. "What's wrong with just being happy? And you just said you're happy."

"And how's that going to work? Kate's at my house with the kids and you're going to stay at yours?"

"Well, yes. It is home, after all," I tried to lighten the mood. "And Dylan and Brad's rooms are there..."

"Steph," he pulled me closer. "I'd like you to move in with me." He searched my eyes for an answer. "I know we'd be happy."

I was shocked. Stunned at his offer. I mean, everything between us had been going perfectly, but I had no idea he wanted to proceed this way.

"Lindsey, I'm flattered..."

He set his jaw. "Why do I have a feeling I'm not going to like the rest of this sentence?"

"Well, it's just a lot, Linds. I love you, I do, and our little family, but this is all very sudden." He was immediately to his feet, in defense mode. "Lindsey, listen to me," I grabbed for his hand, trying to pull him back to me, both literally and figuratively.

"I hear you."

He was already getting upset but I had to attempt to reason with him. "Lindsey, you have to understand where I'm coming from! My divorce is barely final! I need some time to myself, just to think. I need my own space!"

He shook his head, taking a step back from me and pinching the bridge of his nose. "You need time? Stephanie, I've been waiting for you to come back to me for over twenty years! Everything feels right, why do you have to fight it?"

"Lindsey, I haven't been alone for years! I've been through a lot in the past years, I've struggled and I've sacrificed. And now I have 3 boys who are going to have to deal with this too. I'm not going to abandon them!"

"I didn't say that you should!" He was living. Screaming. "The boys are obviously welcome too. When have I ever made you feel otherwise?"

"You haven't, I'm just saying..."

"You've always been like this! What is it about me that makes you run? What is it in my personality that terrifies you of committing to me?"

"Lindsey, stop!" My tears were flowing freely. "It's not you! It's nothing to do with you!"

"How do you figure that? You obviously had no issues running away from me before! You ran straight to Brian and married him before I even knew you were dating him."

That one hurt. He wasn't wrong, but I didn't like it. "How long have you been waiting to sling that at me?"

"Stevie I can't dance around it any more. I can't let you string me a long for another decade. I can't watch Kate get hurt. I won't do it."

He turned to leave, obviously fuming.

"Lindsey, please," I almost begged through my tears. "Wait!" I called after him, but he didn't stop.

I sobbed on the couch in my dressing from for the next hour, hoping he'd come back. He didn't. Didn't he understand? I'd been in a loveless marriage for decades and immediately reconnected with him. I wanted to just take a moment to get my bearings about me, to become myself again. I wanted to do things right this time, not just jump into a relationship with Lindsey. I didn't want to swear his name, to get the press talking about why my marriage really ended. I wanted to take this slow and make sure we'd last forever. Was that really too much to ask?

I wiped my eyes a bit, sniffling, and looked in the mirror at my red puffy face. I was  suddenly in no mood to socialize. I flagged Karen down and asked her to handle my effects. I boarded a jet back to Malibu shortly after, fleeing home with a broken heart and without ever saying another word to Lindsey.