Going Back

While My Guitar Gently Weeps (Him)

Kate was more upset about her perceived rejection from Stevie than she would admit. I could tell it was gnawing at her though, and I couldn't say that I blamed her. I reassured her that it was some kind of mistake, mix up in communication, but she told me she called twice and then was told point blank that it was a family only trip. And honestly at this point I wasn't sure what in the hell was actually going on.

I was heartbroken for her, not even sure what to say when she told me the story. As I retired to my studio that evening, however, my confusion turned into anger. I was irate. How could she? How could she hide Kate from me after all these years? I thought that I had done things right by her- supporting her, grieving with her and never letting our daughter fade from our minds. How could she do this to Kate? Making her feel anything less than completely loved was utterly unacceptable in my mind. We have this beautiful, amazing woman for a daughter and we've missed so much time with her already. Of course Kate is hesitant to open up to us, and this certainly wasn't helping the situation.

I'm sick of this. We all just need to sit down as adults and talk it over. I know Stevie's still out of the country but as soon as she's back I'll have her over and we can clear the air. I pick up my telephone and call her home number, leaving a message for her to call me when she gets back, that we need to talk before the tour kicks off. I click the phone off and pick my guitar back up, playing furiously to let out some of my aggression but my mood and my melody quickly turn to sadness.

If anyone could understand keeping walls up, it should be Stevie. She has them up around me, and lord knows I've tried everything to break through them. Ive always said that I know her better than anyone else, and truly believed that I could reach her when no one else could, but now I have no idea. She's shut me out. She's kept me away from the ultimate joys in my life- herself and Kate. I've stayed out of her life for so long that sometimes I wonder if maybe I've tricked myself into actually believing that we fell out of love- but it's impossible. Every time I see her with Brian I'm instantly a mess. It makes me sick to think that he married her. That she spends all of her time with him, that she raised a family with him, all while I sat alone in this cold house not doing enough to get her back. There's no way he loves her like I do. It's not possible. And even when I thought I'd finally broken through to her a few weeks ago, all she did was shut me out again. She treated me as though I was some insignificant one night stand. And we both know that's not true.

"DAMNIT!" I screamed out to an empty room. I leaned as far back into my chair as I could, shoving my favorite guitar onto the floor and not caring about the damages. I ran my hands through my hair, fighting the unmistakable urge to get drunk and tell her how I felt.

I wasn't sure how I was going to cope with this. We'd put each other through a lot of shit through the years but at this point I really thought we'd be past it. That we could work together without treating each other this way. I felt so wrong. Before I knew it the tears were escaping my eyes and I was glad that I sat in the privacy of my home studio. I'd held in so many emotions over the past weeks and I thought I was going to explode. Usually I was angry in situations such as this but today, today was pure sorrow.

My phone had been ringing a few times, most of my friends knowing to call me repeatedly knowing I'd have to be pulled from my focus to answer. I was in no mood to talk to anyone but I answered anyway, just in case it was Kate and something was wrong.

Mick's familiar voice came over the ear piece receiver, though I can't say I was very friendly in return.

He called to tell me that everyone's family would be joining them for the first show in Chicago. Mick and John's wives and children, Eddy was joining Christine, Brian and the boys were accompanying Stevie. It'll be wonderful to have everyone there, he told me. And that he'd reserved a private room for all of us after the first show. He asked if I had anyone I'd like to accompany me. Because I was the lone wolf of the bunch now.

"Yes. I'm bringing someone," I heard myself say. "See you in Chicago."

I hung up the phone and tried to figure out how I was going to talk to Stevie. At least I had a deadline now. I had to force myself to resolve this before we left LA for the tour. It had to be done, but I couldn't help feel so overlooked. If left her a message earlier so I knew she'd call me back, but I couldn't figure up what was up with her lately. She'd shut me out before but never like this. I just couldn't believe she'd keep Kate from me, and the world while she hid from me and played happily ever after with that asshole Brian and their picture perfect family. She didn't want us.

I took a large swig of whiskey. She'd finally broken me.