Going Back

The First Step (Kate)

Lindsey had accompanied me to the appointment with my attorney and sat patiently with me as I asked all kinds of questions. The meeting ran over and he was a little late for rehearsal but I was so grateful that he sat with me.

I pulled into his driveway, double checking the address. Damn. This place is fancy. I parked my vehicle and gathered the kids and our things, moving to the door, which was opened for us with a warm greeting from Lindsey even before we knocked.

He was in a bit of an odd mood but he was amazing with Pierce, who swam and ran around with a soccer ball in the over sized yard. We ate dinner and the kids passed out from exhaustion. Lindsey clearly wanted to speak with me for a moment so I refilled my glass of water and joined him on the porch where he'd poured himself a heavy handed glass of straight whiskey.

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Rough day?"

He chucked. "You have no idea."

He sat forward in his chair, leaning on his elbows a bit and furrowed his brow. He stared intently at the Amber colored liquor and swirled it around in his glass. "Kate, I'm going to be honest with you right now, okay? And I need you to really listen to what I'm saying. And I'll answer any questions you have."

I nodded my head for him to continue and Lindsey proceeded to tell me in no uncertain terms about his relationship with Stevie over the years. I'm sure he left a few items out, probably the bits I didn't want to hear to begin with, but he was honest and fair. He was up front with his short comings and from the sounds of it he found very little fault in her for anything to this day.

"Kate, I'm not going to tell you what to do but I'd really like it if you spent some time with her. Tell her about the kids. Let her get to know you. I can't keep my relationship with you guys from her. I won't do it. She and I don't keep secrets like that, alright?"

I was, well, I was caught off guard. Their connection after all these years was astounding.

"Talk to me, Kate. Don't emotionally shut down, that's my signature move," he laughed. And I laughed too.

"Actually she did invite me on vacation with her..."

"Great!" Lindsey seemed to perk up a bit.

"...but I said no. I mean, I can't just drop everything and hop on an airplane! I have a job and bills and 2 small kids." I was overwhelmed. I probably did need some time away. Tyler's parents had been begging me to keep the kids for the last couple of weeks... "maybe I'll call her. I have 3 days off this week... we could do dinner."

Lindsey sat his glass on the table and leaned back. "You need to go with her. Give her some of your time. I'll buy your ticket, I'll pay your rent and for Julie to stay with the kids. I know you're scared, Kate, but I also know that you two need this time."

I was completely taken aback. "No! Lindsey, I don't want your money."

"I know you don't," he continued, "but I think this is important and I want to take care of it for you."

"You've known i'm your daughter for 24 hours. I just don't understand..."

"Let me ask you something, Kate," he stared at me. "Is there anything you wouldn't do for Pierce and Livi? Anything in the world?"

"Well, no, but..."

"No 'buts'. That's how I feel about you, and how I've felt about you from the moment I found out you were on the way, alright? And there's nothing I wouldn't do for Stevie, either. So let me handle the money. Just find the time and get to know her, alright?"

I nodded my understanding. "Thanks." why was I so timid at times?

I cleared the dishes and Lindsey helped me load Pierce and Livi into the car, and I told him I'd call him later, after I'd talked to Stevie.

Once the kids were settled I picked up the phone to call Stevie. Lindsey had given me a nudge in the right direction but I had to take the first step.

The phone rang a few times and was answered by a man.

"Hi, is Stevie available? This is Kate." I was suddenly nervous again.

"She's not at the moment. Could I take a message?"

I'd left a message stating that I'd had a change in plans and I'd love to join her on vacation. I was sure that she'd call back in no time and I was suddenly optimistic to forge a relationship with her. I did a little bit of packing, excited to do something for myself for once. I'd never been on a vacation like this and I decided that I was going to treat myself to a new bikini and a pedicure tomorrow morning. I was so excited I could barely fall asleep.

Morning came, and with that the mayhem that is getting two tiny people ready for the day. Once things had settled a bit I realized that I hadn't actually heard from Stevie and it was now approaching 10:30. I know she sleeps in but her flight was leaving and I was getting overly excited about planning to accompany her. I didn't want to miss her.

I picked up the phone again and dialed her number. Once again Brian picked up the phone. I'd only formally met him in passing but he was my mother's husband so I assumed we were friendly by default. Again, Stevie wasn't available.

"Listen, Emma," he had an odd tone in his voice and I could tell he wasn't speaking very loud.

Why was he calling me Emma? 

"Kate. My name is Kate." Was I so insignificant that her husband didn't even know my name?

Brian sighed for a bit. "I'm sorry to have to be the one to have this conversation with you, but Stevie and I have a lot going on right now and we're about to be apart for this tour so she wants this vacation to just be family. Maybe you can join us next time."

I was crushed. "Oh."

"But hey, enjoy the rest of your summer."

My mood immediately dropped when I ended the call. Maybe my feelings of inadequacy weren't unfounded. Maybe I didn't belong. I couldn't have cared less about the trip. What broke me was the undeniable fact that I wasn't considered family.