Going Back

Crossroads (Her)

1 year later

I'd been going through the motions of my daily life for the last year, and not much had changed. Well- some things had changed. My husband now slept in a room down the hall, on the nights he actually came home, and my marriage was hanging on by a thread. He was usually gone when I woke up in the morning and he came in and locked himself away in his study late at night. Our communication was infrequent and covered only the most basic of topics- the boys, the house, and any major notices that I would be away for an extended period of time.

Personally, I was nearing the end of my rope. Professionally, I was at a crossroads. Mick was trying to get the band back together and frankly I wasn't sure what to think. Fleetwood Mac has always been my lifeblood but lately my solo career had taken precedence and I was very pleased with the response. While with the band came the music that I love to make, and the sound that rocketed me to stardom, it also brought personal relationships that were strenuous to say the least back to the forefront. I wasn't sure what it would be like to work with Lindsey again, but given my current state of personal affairs I decided that I should just go for it. I probably had nothing to lose. I had to take a leap of faith. Besides, things went well when the five of us played the Clinton inauguration and I was sure we could all continue to keep it professional now. If none of us brought personal feelings to the table then this should be easy. But were we capable of that? Probably not.

I sighed and picked up the receiver on the phone beside my bed, calling my assistant to inform her that I was in on the new project. I then rang Mick with the news who told me he was glad to hear it. We chatted for a moment and I actually found myself laughing. He scheduled dinner as a reunion of sorts later in the week and by the time we ended the conversation I have to admit that I was smiling. Mick always had such a positive demeanor, especially when I called him with good news, and that probably wasn't a bad thing for me right now.

I always dreaded this time of year, knowing her birthday was coming and knowing that I had spent another year not knowing her. I'd decided some time ago to put all of my efforts into finding her and so I'd thrown myself into that endeavor. Unfortunately though it had yielded minimal results. I had very limited information. Lindsey had attempted the same years prior, unable to make any progress, but able to leave an envelope containing our information for her, should she ever look for it. I had somehow convinced myself that this time would be different. That my search would lead me straight to her, and that I'd miraculously pick up the phone to her call one day. I knew it was a pipe dream but I clung to it. I'd left a few more letters for my sweet Emma, and though I hadn't heard anything in return, I also hadn't lost hope. I just knew that something would change. I'd kept my  endeavor to myself, never breathing a word of what I was doing, almost afraid to jinx it. But here I was- the week of her birthday, in effectively the same place as I had been for the last twenty five years.

I shook myself out of my thoughts, turning my concentration back to the dinner that I was preparing. All 3 of the boys would be home for dinner tonight, and though I sincerely doubted their father would join us I hoped that I was wrong. I wanted us to be a happy family so badly, but it became increasingly obvious that I was the only one who still felt that way. Dylan wandered into the kitchen and grabbed a soda, never removing his headphones from his ears, Landon in the back yard swooning over his girlfriend and Brad should be pulling in from his summer job at any point. They were growing up. And while I was so proud to see their independence I couldn't help but feel watching them in their own lives brought out the glaring issues in mine. There was nothing to hide behind now.

I had a lot going on and I honestly couldn't believe I had agreed to a reunion in the first place. I was hesitant to leave- to be back in that environment and under the stressors that it brought, but I knew I needed some professional fulfillment. I wasn't sure what else to do, but I knew I needed a change. And I hoped that maybe this change would be just what I needed to save my marriage- or maybe to save myself.