Going Back

Back In (Her)

I at sat rehearsal the next day unsure of what I was going to say to Lindsey upon his arrival. I wasn't going to betray Kate's trust again but at the same time I felt so internally conflicted about hiding everything from Lindsey. He'd been completely supportive since day one and I knew he missed her too. I wasn't doing anything to spite him, or to withhold from him, I just knew I was walking on thin ice with the whole situation.

I had completely overreacted the night prior, and I was embarrassed. The threat of losing her again once I had finally found her was my greatest fear. She had called me this morning, explaining that she was just a bit overwhelmed by the whole situation. She told me she'd thought about it over breakfast and decided that she really did overreact. I'm not sure what the change of heart is, but I was grateful that she was giving me another chance. I can't say that I blame her but I'd be lying if I wasn't a bit unsure about where to go next. I thanked her for calling, letting her know I had been worried when she left in such a hurry. I asked her over for dinner this evening as I would be home alone, and she accepted. I was very excited, hoping that tonight we would really finally get to know each other. I wanted to ask her to spend more time at the house, get to know the boys, to catch up on all the missed years. I knew I was getting ahead of myself as this would only been the third time we'd met, but I very much wanted us to bond. I'd longed for so many years to have the mother daughter relationship that I'd only dreamt of.

"Hey," Lindsey sat down next to me, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Hi, I didn't see you come in." I tried to keep things brief but I was nervous.

He looked me over, almost as if he was examining me to make sure I wasn't broken. I can't say that I blamed him though, when he left my house less than 24 hours ago I probably appeared to be very near an anxiety attack.

"Did you hear from her," he asked gently. "From Kate?"

I smiled. "I did. Thanks for checking, Linds. She called me this morning. I'm so sorry about yesterday, it's just- it's complicated. I promise I'll explain, I just..."

He waved me off. "It's okay. She seems like a sweet girl and I'm sure you have your reasons."

I nodded one time, not sure what I could possibly add to that statement.

"So about the lineup," he changed the subject. "What do you think about swapping Rhiannon and Big Love?"

I nodded my approval. "That's fine." I was a little shocked that he was asking me like this. Generally he just made the change and we fought about it afterwards.

"And I was thinking about Bleed to Love Her, but I'm not quite sure. What do you think?"

I looked over at him. "Lindsey, is everything okay?"

He was puzzled. "It's fine, why do you ask?"

I furrowed my brow. "No reason. Go ahead and add it, it'll sound good. But I'd like to go over the harmonies on that one with you, it's been a minute since we sang it together."

He stood. "That's fine." He turned to add something to that statement but he was interrupted by Karen calling my name.

"Stevie, It's Kate. Can you take this call?"

I hoped right up and squeezed past Lindsey. "Get started on what you can without me," I called over my shoulder.

Kate called to advise me that something came up and she would have to cancel that evenings dinner. She was brief and I was puzzled. I felt defeated.

We'd only made it through the set once when I advised everyone that I needed to be going. My heart wasn't in it. Normally I would have been met with opposition from Lindsey but he seemed to be dead on his feet today. I wasn't sure why but it seemed like he didn't get much sleep last night. I didn't want to know why. We hadn't been together in over two decades and I was married to someone else, but as terribly complex as it was, in my head, and my heart, he was still mine.

I ate a quick salad on the terrace outside of an empty house. The boys were all at Lisa's for the evening and I had just gotten off of the phone with Brian. Brian- another point of stress. He'd actually been true to his word thus far. He had called diligently every night but honestly I wasn't sure if that made things better or worse. Every time I'd ended our calls, which were never more than a few minutes long, I felt so empty. We had nothing to talk about. I'm not sure what we even conversed about when we were dating. The geographic distance amplified the space between us.

Without reservation I picked up the phone to call Lindsey. I just wanted to talk to someone with whom the conversation flowed easily. Someone to whom I didn't have to explain myself.

He groggily answered the phone, advising me that I didn't wake him, though he was a horrible liar. We chatted for the better part of two hours, keeping things friendly but also able to broach any topic- well, almost any topic. I told him my fears for the upcoming travel with the band and that I was comforted by the easiness of our friendship lately. He too admitted that he had his doubts about our abilities to all work together, but admitted that everything felt so natural again. He seemed as though he wanted to ask me something for the entire duration of the conversation, but he never did. We ended the call on excellent terms and I already knew I needed to keep my emotions in check on the road. I was vulnerable again, and the only one I'd ever want to let in again had somehow found his way back into my life.