Evolution

August 4 2015

It's been almost two months since we've talked. I haven't really talked much to anyone lately. During the school year, I'm pretty social. I'm not a social butterfly, but enough to be happy and healthy. But that all changes when the summer comes around.

Last summer was the only exception, he was the only exception. But we're over now. We have been for months. It just took me that long to realize it. I hate the summer. It reminds me how lonely I am. Especially since my best friend Lynn moved last year, things haven't been easy. When she moved, I had him. Now that I don't have him, I have no one.

I'm going into my junior year, and I have almost no one. I've been needing to talk to someone lately, but I don't want to be a burden. I'm so scared of being alone because I think too much. That's why I let last summer happen. That's why I talked to him. That's why we happened. And he's why we fell apart. And it hurts. I wanted us to last forever.

Now it's summer again, and I'm as lonely as ever, sitting on my couch in an empty house with nothing to do but dwell on the past and try to wash my pain away through tears. I can't seem to get myself to do much, I keep thinking to myself that I want to go outside and watch the butterflies like the naive me used to, but I can't move myself an inch away from where I am. When I do get up, I become dizzy because I haven't been consuming enough to nourish my body properly. And when the cats come over, I pet them, and when they go to jump off of my leg to the floor, I silently hope that their claws will pierce my skin and contribute to my collection of scars so I don't have the guilt of doing it to myself.

Sometimes I wonder, if he saw me now, what would he think? I know it's not healthy. I've been trying to stitch myself back together and clean up the broken pieces of my heart but instead I keep cutting myself on my own sharp thoughts of his harsh words he told me so long ago. Everything hurts so much lately and I don't know what to do about it. I'm lost in my own head and I can't stop thinking about him, and I know that that is the thing I need to do the most.

I think of the last time I saw him- his head down, dragging his feet along the sidewalk going nowhere. I think of the last time he hugged me, when I refused to let go on the last day of school, when the summer was beginning. I knew it would hurt, but not this much. I think of how I chased him down the halls when he walked away, begging him to not give up. I remember when he gave me the letter, and I ran away crying. He didn't follow me, and when I got to where my mom was supposed to pick me up he apologized and ripped up the letter. I know it was just for show though. I know it was just to get rid of the evidence. Then he pretended to care and tried to get me to stop crying because I was making a scene. Of course, I didn't know this at the time. I never knew I was making a scene, because I'm so used to going unseen, like right now. I remember the days we would stay after school and breathe each other's air, when he would breathe out, I would breathe in.

I just wish I could've known how bad he was for me at the time. I wish I could've known how toxic he was. Because now he's in my veins and the only way I know how to get him out is by bleeding out, but I promised myself I wouldn't add to my scars and now I'm sitting on this couch in this lonely house stuck in my own memories counting down the days until I break my promise to myself again.

I just wish I could stop thinking about him. I wish I could erase him from my memory because I now know he was a mistake. But the best I can do is learn from my mistake. And I agree with my scars. I look down at my ankle that is hidden by my converse and stare at the bare skin I carved a word into: never. Never love.

Love has caused me so much pain. I'm not saying it wasn't worth it. It was beautiful. Our love was so beautiful while it lasted. But he's gone. I constantly forget that he hasn't tried to get ahold of me. He left me. He knew I was depressed, and he knew I would shatter, and he dropped me anyway. I know in my heart if he came back I would forgive him. That's why I've tried my best to erase him. As painful as it is, I have to do it. I know when I see him again, I'll talk to him, but I have to try my best to hang in for the summer. And when school starts, I'll try my best to avoid him. I know the best for me is to stay away from him, so I will.

The one thing I want him to do is regret. When school starts again, the only things I want him to see is that I am more reserved than I was before. I want him to see that I've been broken. And I want him to see that I'm better than ever. And most of all, I want him to regret all that he put me through. I want him to regret losing me. Because there won't be another girl like me he'll ever find. I know that for sure.

So even though now I'm sitting on this couch hurting, I know when school starts in a couple of weeks, I'll be ready for it. I'm slowly learning how to hide myself and my emotions behind dresses, sunglasses, makeup and a fake smile. After all, the people I'm closest to believe it. I know for sure that he will too.

What I hate the most out of all of this, is that I still love him. My first love was my first loss. And it hurts to know that he'll always have a piece of my heart.