Evolution

July 4 2015

I can remember exactly what I was doing a year ago today at this time. I was texting Andy about how much I wished he could be celebrating the 4th with me. Now I haven't even talked to him for over a week. Only twice in the past month. It hurts. I miss him so much. I hope he is happy.
The first and only night I didn't dream about him was a nightmare. It was about a week ago. In the dream, I got raped. The worst part was that in my head I was screaming for Andy to come and save me. But he never did. It hurt. There was so much emotional pain in the dream when I thought I wasn't a virgin anymore. It was one of the worst dreams I've ever had.
My knight in shining cotton always used to come and save me. But this time he didn't. I was so scared. And it felt horrible. After I realized he wasn't going to save me, I just gave up. In the dream after I broke emotionally I just stopped trying to stop my aggressor. I was broken. It was horrible.

I still don't know why he thought I was cheating in the first place. I have always told him the truth. The only time I lied was when he had a boner and he had to readjust it and I saw his dick. It was only the tip and he covered up quick. He even asked me. I was so embarrassed and not sure that I had seen it so I had lied. It was for both of our sakes. Now that we aren't together anymore I think it's better I lied because it'll be less pain for him- at least I am hoping. I didn't even realize I had lied at the time and I forgot about it until now. Even though I feel awful about that one lie, I think it was better I lied about it to prevent us from going further.
It hurts to know we didn't make it. That's all I ever wanted.
I dreamt of the children we were going to have, and our wedding night, and going to the fair, and making love to him. Many times. It hurts so bad to know that those probable futures I dreamt up will not happen. I was so sure. Now my biggest fear is that he will find someone else- it's selfish and ironic, because I told him if he finds another girl who makes him happy to take her, but a part of me doesn't want him to. I want him to show up in my room in the middle of the night and say he wants me back and hold me and breathe me while promising to never leave me again.
That's all I want. But somehow I know I'll probably never get it because he was my favorite. And it's a part of my curse. I always lose my favorites. I was just hoping instead of losing him too he would be the to break the curse. I guess dreams don't come true after all.

I wish they did.