Everything is falling apart. I can't do this anymore. Everyone that matters most to me doesn't want me. My parents are mad at me, Andy probably hates me. I fucking hate this. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to give up completely. So bad. I'm weak. Andy told me I've changed. Of course I've changed, I'm fucking used. No one believes anything I say anymore, and I've never even lied. I hate liars; somehow I have become one without even doing the deed. I went on the roof again and my mom found me. She was so angry. But it makes me feel better. I hope they don't take that away too. I've lost everything that meant the most to me. I'm losing Andy. I tied myself and my happiness so close to him that now that he's leaving he's taking everything I loved about myself and everything I loved with him. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared he's going to do what I think he will. He told me he's going vertical. But he thinks I'm joking when I say if he does I will too. Because I will. He told me that being friends feels right to him. But it doesn't feel right to me. He was my anchor, and he's severing the chain that keeps me tied to him. He told me it's better this way because he is less vulnerable. But that's a part of what love is. It's being vulnerable. It's giving the other person the power to hurt you and trusting that they won't. I trust him. And this hurts so fucking much. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I need him. I miss him. I want to be able to kiss him, and hug him, and tell him I love him. I want him to be mine. I don't want girls trying to stake their claims. But I don't want to try and hide this anymore. I want to fix it. I want to resolve it. I'll try my best to be better with him. I'll try to just be his friend, but I don't know if I can. I can't go a day without kissing him, I don't want this to go away. He is the love of my life, and I'm losing him. I'm so scared.
I just want to feel good enough and loved again. He means so much to me, and I am so afraid of losing him. I already hurt so much. I keep self harming because he was my reason not to, but I'm losing him. I just wish I could have been good enough. Everything I try to do I just go and fuck up. I can't do anything right. I just wish he could know he is my universe. He is my whole night sky, he is everything to me. I'm scared because the more I lose him the more I lose myself.
I just want him to take me by the hands, and tell me it's okay and tell me he still wants me. I still want him more than anything.
I need something to wish on, because there are no shooting stars, or candles. I need him more than anything to just stay with me, and I'm so scared he doesn't want me anymore. I don't even want me anymore.
I just wish he could know he's the only one. He just thinks I've gotten better at lying. But I never have lied. I just wish I could show him how much I love him. I wish things could go back to the way they used to be. I need them to. I'm so scared for the summer. I'm so scared that's when I'll lose him. I can't lose him.
I just got out of the shower, it's 10:44. I was going to do it again, but my mom almost found out. Now I have lied. I feel awful about it. She came in when I was showering and told me to turn around and show her my legs. I said no. Actually I yelled it, and refused to turn around. She asked me why, and I told her I hadn't shaved, which was true. The truth and my embarrassment were probably what made her believe me. She made me promise her I hadn't been "cutting myself." I feel awful for lying, but she said she would be pissed if she found out I was.
I hope Andy can help me. I need to feel wanted, and loved. I need to feel appreciated. I swear, the next time he says he's not the only one I'm going to tell him that he's right and I was that panda's next girlfriend.
Maybe I am a liar. By trying to be okay, I've become exactly what I've never wanted to be. I hate myself so much. Why do I do that? Why can't I be good enough? Why can't I be happy without him? I can't. I wish I could. I feel so alone now.
The worst part of it all is that I thought I never would be. And the sad truth is that I am so alone in my mind now. I wish I felt like I did before. I didn't feel alone before. I was better than okay. I was happy. Why did this have to happen?
It's all my fault and I wish it never happened.
I wish I could have just been good enough.
YOU ARE READING
Evolution
Non-FictionThere are a lot of things you don't really think about until they happen to you. Take rape, for instance. I always thought, "That won't happen to me. I have a boyfriend. I trust him. He would never take advantage of me like that..." I couldn't have...
