Evolution

November 6 2016

Dear Panda,
This will be the last letter the girl you used to know will be giving you, though I doubt that you will ever read it or know of its existence. But, even with the small chance that you will, I just wanted to tell you that I have come to terms with our past.

The girl that you used to love and now miss is leaving. And she is never coming back.

I am not saying that I am okay. I miss you every single day. But I am tired of not being able to take care of myself. I don't want to be stuck with my demons any longer. I hate them. And they hate me.

I know that you have wanted me to let go and be gone for a long time. You win. For the last three months, I have not been able to talk to you. But for the last week, I have not wanted to.

You were the love of my life. And the good girl I used to be believed that you were my soulmate. But things have changed.

About two weeks ago, I was listening to a talk at church. They talked about how humans have eternal souls, and about how we are eternal beings and that is why we have such a hard time saying goodbye. But they talked about how right now, there is no such thing as an end. Time is relative. And they talked about how even though something may be "paused" right now, they can pick up later. When my friend would address her brain cancer, she would talk about "for now." When she talked about her physical afflictions she would say she was having troubles "for now." She has passed away since then.
I have come to the conclusion that we are paused "for now." I don't have to say goodbye. You hit the pause button. And right now everything we had is on hold. And there is nothing that I can do.

The fact that there is nothing that I can do can be painful sometimes. But now I understand why you broke up with me in the first place. It is almost as if you break it off and run away you can save yourself from being hurt. I know it is not the most mature thing to do, and selfish, but for me, it is the best thing I can do for myself right now. And I need to take care of myself. After all, I am stuck with me.

The last time I talked to you I told you that I was going to try to stay in California for college. Now I am going away.

I have halted all of my in state applications and I am going out of state. I don't think I can stay home with the pain of knowing that I will be so close to you but you don't want me. So I am running away.
And hopefully when I leave, I can find myself.

And if things are meant to be, they will be. I will always want you, but if you don't want it to happen then it will not. I will send you the occasional letter in the mail, so you will know where I'll be. I'll let you know I'm still alive and that I am still your friend, and if you ever need anyone to talk to I will be there. You'll be able to get ahold of me. But I have come to accept the fact that where our relationship goes is no longer in my power.

I don't regret a single thing that I did with you. I don't regret loving you.

You taught me a lot about how love and pain go hand in hand.

You taught me a lot about how I should never drop my standards.

And maybe I will find the man of my dreams someday.

Whatever the case, I know that God will guide me and take care of me. I know He will be with you too. Because I pray for you. I have forgiven you. I have finally become okay with letting you go.

With love forever and always,

Your bamboo.