Evolution

May 28 2015

I've been so lost lately. I'm a year clean, but I don't know how much longer that's going to last. Every day I feel closer to it. Andy was the only reason why I hadn't so long ago. But he hasn't been the same lately. He doesn't trust me anymore. The problem now is that I told him I want all of him and he's questioning if I can handle it because I keep telling him I can't take it much longer. I told him before that I would go through anything for him. The problem is, I can, I will, and I have been. I just don't know if I can mentally handle it anymore.
He used to make me happy. But I am weak, and he does not trust me. I don't feel close to him anymore. Things don't feel real. And it doesn't matter what I tell him, because he'll never believe me anyways.
I miss him. He isn't close to me like we used to be. He doesn't write me notes anymore, I almost always have to beg him to hug me. I'm trying so hard and everything I do isn't good enough. I'm not okay. I need him.
What I hate most about this is that he's the only person I want to believe me, to hold me, comfort me, to love me. But I don't feel like he is anymore. I miss the letters he would give me. I miss him being happy. I miss him trusting me. I wish he could understand how much I love him. And only him. He used to. It just sucks because I don't know how to tell him efficiently that he's the one that I want. I don't know how to tell him that there is not another person who I would want more than him.
I want him. I don't want a boy with a lot of money, or one that's freaking super genius smart, or the hottest boy in the school. None of that matters to me. I just want him. I want the boy who treated me like a child, then like a woman. I want the boy who loved me, and trusted me. I want the black haired, brown eyed, tan skinned, tall, happy, attractive boy with the mole on his left ear and cheek. I want the one who would give anything to see me happy. I want the boy who was willing to take a risk for me. I want the boy who made sure I knew he loved me. I want the boy who gave me backwards hugs, I want the boy I fell in love with. And I want him to love me back.
I miss him. Because lately, I don't feel loved. I feel fucking pathetic, weak, and worthless. I feel like I'm not even good enough for him to even believe me when I'm telling the truth.
I miss the boy I fell in love with. He told me I was beautiful. He made me feel loved. He made me happy. He made me feel like I was worth something.
I miss how things used to be. I know I fucked up. I feel like shit about it. It hasn't gone away.
I need it to go away. I don't feel like he loves me anymore. I don't know why he's questioning me so often. I promised. I want our forever and always. But sometimes I wonder if he would just be better off without me.
He'd probably be happier. I hate that how miserable I am, I would be worse without him.
These past few days at school have been alright. But as soon as I get home, I'm not okay. He's all I have. Without him so close to me, I feel so alone.
But I can't do this alone. I need the boy I fell for almost a year ago. I need him more than anything. But I am so scared that he's going away, or even worse- that he's already gone.