Evolution

June 2 2015

I broke last night. It isn't anything. I'm not going to say I broke my year over it because 1) I am ashamed of myself and 2) it was a broken bobby pin. I'm not going to tell anybody, but I know in my heart that my year is gone.
I am ashamed of myself.

I'm so done. Today was horrible. I found out that I truly have no one. My parents try to act all nice, but then they lock me out of my room and take away my privileges. I can't even tell them that today was one of the worst days I have ever experienced.
Andy still thinks that I am cheating. It scares me sometimes to think about the things he'll go through trying to find something that doesn't exist. He would hold me when I cry and wipe away my tears, but I feel like he just did it because he didn't want to see me cry anymore. There wasn't a time I wasn't crying today. I was literally crying. All. Day. It hurts to know the only times I felt okay were when Andy was holding me, and those times might not have been real anyways.
Andy told me he beat a kid up today. I'm really worried about him. Andy, not the kid. I mean, I am worried about the kid but I'm sure he'll be fine. I'm just worried because Andy won't tell me what's up. I hope he's okay.
Because I'm not.
I'm going to wear shorts tomorrow to try and lower suspicion. I went in to get a razor today and she checked my body. But joke's on her, they already faded. Unfortunately these next ones I did on my thighs won't fade so quickly. I didn't use a razor, but they still burn. Ironically, it's a good feeling. I would rather feel the physical pain than emotional.
I'm really scared it's going to get a lot worse here soon. When everyone asked why I was crying, I would just tell them I didn't know or give them an indirect answer. But the truth is that I was afraid that today might be the end. Because I'm not ready to move on. I need him and his love more than anything. He is my anchor, my lifeline, and without him I'm lost at sea. And he just doesn't realize that. I wish he knew how alone I am feeling, and how scared I am to lose him.
All of the things we said I meant with all of my heart. When I told him I thought that he was the one, I meant it with all of my soul and being. Some people would say that my behavior is desperate. And it's true. Fuck yeah I'm desperate, the love of my life doesn't trust me anymore, and the relationship and myself are falling apart. So fuck yeah I'm desperate.
I'm sick and tired of lying. No, I am not fucking okay. I'm breaking. And he is the only person who can make it better. It doesn't matter if I had all of the friends on the earth, because they aren't him. I would rather endure a thousand deep cuts from razor blades than to be without him. I have tried so hard to make him understand how much I love him, and how much I am sorry, and he still will never believe me.
And now I'm really sorry. Because I'm broken. I've ruined myself.
And the thought that runs through my head the most when I'm crying is, "He told me he loved me."
And I know he did. When he did, I loved myself.
But now I hate myself. When he wipes away my tears I know that I was not strong enough. Or good enough. Because no matter how hard I tried, he could not feel when I tried to show him love. I feel fucking worthless.
And I am so sorry. I gave up.
Not on him; never on him.

But I gave up on myself.