Evolution

September 5 2015

I am starting to not recognize myself anymore. I'm not so sure what to do with myself anymore, and I don't know how to act. School started this week. I didn't even make it through all five days. I'm usually the person that will go to school even when I'm sicker than dog crap, but not lately. I have had anxiety every day of the week since the first day of school, and I have had no way of getting rid of it.

I have trouble sleeping because of nerves, and the cycle begins again when I wake up. Every morning I gag on nothing because I fear of going to school. I don't know if I fear him, or school in general. I wish I knew. I thought I was ready to face him, but I'm starting to doubt myself now.

Yesterday morning was Friday. I got up, got ready for school, and brushed my teeth. But the nerves were too much for me to handle. I sat and gagged until only stomach acid would come up. Then I told my mom I was sick and threw up. She made me eat breakfast, but after I did I went on the couch and slept; she waited until it was clear I was not going to school then called me in sick. I slept for hours, and when I woke up there was a note she left when she went to work.

I decided to make a quick playlist on 8tracks. I titled it, "Dying of a Broken Heart." I like the title. But my idea of quick was not quick... It only took me about half of an hour to make, but there were 99 songs on it. It's worth five, almost six hours. And that's okay. It has all of the music I've listened to since he broke up with me. So I just put it all down and called it good.

Everything's been really hard lately. School hasn't been easy, which is saying something, because school is what I've always been best at. I haven't been coping lately, and I've been really depressed. And I have been taking on a slight anorexic lifestyle. Not on purpose, it was from the nerves. But I haven't eaten lunch once the whole school year so far. I can't usually even handle breakfast. It's just barely been five days and I've lost seven pounds. I can physically feel the difference. The major one that I notice is that my legs don't rub together so much anymore. If this keeps up like the way it is, I'll have a thigh gap in a week. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

My parents are well aware of the problem. (The not eating, but not the depression.) I'm not even entirely sure I am depressed. Some days are better than others, but for the most part, they're all pretty bleak. Thursday was one of the worse days. Yesterday was pretty mellow, but that's because I chickened out and skipped school. I know, avoiding my problems is not going to find me a solution, but for the time being, it's what I can do and it has to be good enough. The depression is already a big problem by itself.

I don't know how to tell them that I think I'm depressed. They already know, I'm sure. I don't want to be on meds that are going to screw up my liver, so even if I told them, how could they help? Get me to a doctor? Yeah right. They don't want me on meds either.

I just don't know how to cope at this point. I miss who I used to be, I miss where my life used to be. Two years ago- heck, even last year, if I missed school, I would have my best friends texting me up asking me where I was. I missed school today because of depression and anxiety, and not a single person noticed. I'm so alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not okay, and all I need is a friend. But that's the last thing I'll have. Everyone has left me. All of my favorite anyone or anything has always left me. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I can't shake the fact that I'm alone. I try smiling at people, but no one even acknowledges me. I'm invisible.

I wouldn't go so far as saying I'm suicidal yet, but that's because I'm religious and I believe that He will keep me on the earth as long as I am needed. But I'm not saying that I'm afraid of dying. If he was going to take me out, I wouldn't have any second thoughts. Or maybe that's just who I am this week.

I used to be afraid when Andy was around. When he was around, pencil sharpeners were just pencil sharpeners, and I always had to make sure that he would look both ways before crossing the street. I didn't let him cross unless the light said it was okay to walk, and I always looked both ways before letting him step off of the ledge because he was all too willing.

But now a days, I'm not afraid anymore. Since he left, I've hid a pencil sharpener in my desk drawer, knowing that I might have an emergency where I might need it. Since he left, I don't flinch when cars pass me by, almost clipping me. Since he left me, I stand on the furthest part of the ledge of the sidewalk. I start crossing the street before the signs say I can. Since he left, I've stopped looking both ways before crossing the street.

I don't know if I will be intact by the end of the night. I'm losing sight of what was most important to me throughout my whole life. Everything hurts, and I don't know how to cope with it.

I just want this pain to be over.

I just want to be myself again.

I just want to feel okay again.