Evolution

July 28 2015

Never Love
(Trigger warning)

I cry myself to sleep
Every night since you left
Every day I am still haunted
By the way my soul peacefully slept
Safe and sound
When you were mine
Every day I wept
When you were nowhere to be found

"If you loved me..."
I begin to sing to myself in the shower
Where I am the only one can hear
"Why'd you leave me?"
I asked you in melody
Even though you were not there to answer

The hot water burns my cuts
As I lightly guide my silver
Knight in shining armor
To kiss my pale baby soft skin beneath.

The tears roll down my cheeks
As I watch memories of what we used to have
Roll down the drain
And remember how you used to make me smile
How you gave me your jacket
And held me when my heart felt cold and lonely

I remember everything all at once
But it is too much
And it hurts too much
And all the pain comes rushing back,
It always does
As I try to remind myself that
While I'm miserable,
You're fine.

I think of how when I walked away,
I wanted you to give me a reason not to
I wanted you to take me by the arm
And tell me we could work this out
But you just watched

You just stood over me
As I tried to pick up the broken pieces
Of my shattered heart underneath your shoes
And glue the pieces back together
To try and give them back to you.

And when it hurt so bad
I cried out to you in pain
And you hid behind a wall
Laughing hysterically at my cries
My begging and pleading to you for help
So I would not know you were there

So much for being open.

"All of me..."
I begin to bring the blade down again,
"Loves all of you..."
I clench my teeth
And watch as my demons escape me
Because I know they hate me too-
Just like you do.

"I'll love you forever and always"
I quietly sing to myself
As I go down for another tally mark
Reliving all of our memories
As realization dawns on me
That it was all just a lie,
A cruel joke I fell for

"Say something, I'm giving up on you"
I sing
As the tears blend with the hot shower water
As the blood escapes down the drain
As the memories cause more pain

The memories won't stop,
I just want them to stop,
Please just stop
I just want the pain to be over...

"You're gorgeous,"
I remember you telling me
When I told you I was insecure.

"You're so amazing,"
I remember you hugging me
When I told you
I hated myself

I thought that would be enough warning
To not hurt me
But of course
You did

I thought I told you
I needed you?
Why didn't you ever trust me?

Now I know it is because you didn't accept me
For who I am
But for some reason
I still feel it is my fault
So I cut once more

You always told me to be open
And I was so open
You doubted I ever told you the truth
I told you my darkest secrets
And I realized that
Openness = Vulnerability

I realized that the more I told you
The more you had against me
And I suppose that was your plan after all

The blade kisses my skin once again,
While my mind is wishing
You would come and stop my guiding hand
And tell me you didn't mean it,
And hold me while I cry
Because my heart shattered into a million pieces
When you cut me off from your lips

My only source of oxygen,
And now all I have left of you
Is in my veins

And I want you out
I cut again

And I finish my last letter as the words that ended it
Run through my head again.

"I'm breaking up with you."
I remember the way I begged you,
"Please don't leave me, I need you!"
"Why?" You would ask me,
"Because,"
I would reply,
"There are razors in my shower."

I drag the blade across my skin again,
Getting more and more of you out
As I cried,
Thinking to myself,
"Who would love this?"

I look down at the words
I carved into my skin in your honor.
Never Love.

I learned
To love someone
More than oneself
Will result in self destruction.

And I hate it.
Because I still love you.
I will never get over you.
And you're over me.

I hope when you wear your jacket,
You find my hair on it
And miss the way you could sweep it out of my face
I hope

When you're lonely
And you need someone to pick you up
You think of me

And miss me
And realize not only did you lose-
But destroyed
A girl that would have done anything for you.

I hope you'll love
A girl so differently from me
So you'll regret ever throwing me away
Once you realize what you've lost.

I hope when you remember me
It fucking hurts
I hope you miss me
And I hope you regret
Ever letting me go.

Because after that, everyone lost me.
I even lost myself.
I hope the regret hurts you.

I hope you hurt when you hear our old songs
And regret throwing me away

And as the songs come flooding back
I can feel myself fading as
I drag the blade across my skin
One last time
As I watch my demons escape down the drain
As I realize
I should never love again
Because the pain of being hurt
Is more unbearable of that of being alone,
Or maybe it's because I realize
That as much as it hurts to be alone
If I don't ever let anyone in
I won't ever be hurt again.

Every night I cry myself to sleep
Hoping you'll show up
On my doorstep, because part of me will always want you.

So I want to thank you
For ignoring me

You gave me enough time to realize
You could go on forever without me
And find someone new
Like a coffee at a coffee shop
You drink it when you need a pick me up
And when it fades
You find a new one.
I suppose I was faded to you.

You taught me that even though I'm not living,
I'm surviving
And that'll have to be enough
Because you're thriving
With me out of your life.

Thank you
For teaching me

To

Never Love

Again.