Evolution

August 16 2014

A Poem
NOTE TO SELF: PLEASE DO NOT READ, DO NOT REMEMBER. THIS WAS JUST A BAD DAY, THINGS'LL GET BETTER.
(October 2, 2014)

Dear God,
I'm so grateful for everything I have.
I'm so grateful for my family,
Friends,
Good health,
I'm grateful for my friends' and family's health.
I'm so grateful for the good days at school.
I'm thankful I still have my best friend-
I'm grateful for out eleven year friendship.
I'm grateful to know I'm so blessed.

Dear God,
I'm grateful I passed my finals.
The stress was hard,
And I'm grateful I had the strength to push through it.
I'm so thankful it's summer.
I definitely need the break.
But I'm also a little sad.
Just like all summers,
My best friend is going away.
I know she'll come back-
She always does.
But that doesn't make me miss her any less.
She leaves in a week.

Dear God,
I'm so happy I got to spend time with my best friend before she has to leave.
The fair was fun,
And as annoying as it was,
I'm glad my best friend dragged me there.
I would be a lumpy couch potato if it wasn't for her.

Dear God,
My best friend left. I'm going to try to keep in contact with her as much as I can.
But she's with her mom and siblings.
I hope she'll have fun with her family.
She needs them.

Dear God,
Half of summer has passed, and I miss my best friend.
We haven't talked much,
We're both really busy.
I really miss her.
I can't wait to see her at school.

Dear God,
Our hurried text messages
And 20 minute phone calls
Really aren't enough.
It's good to see how she is,
But I really miss just talking to her.
We have a lot to catch up on when school starts.

Dear God,
I got a text today.
I'm begging you,
Please don't let it happen.
I know it's not set in stone-
I hope the plans will change.
I need her to come back.
Who do I have when she's gone?

Dear God,
Why?
Everyone keeps telling me
That everyone walks in and out of your life,
That
When one door closes,
Another opens.
People keep telling me
To make new friends
I'm so afraid
That these eleven years
Will fade away,
That the waves will
Wash away her
Footprints in the sand.
I don't want this to go away.

Dear God,
Ten days to school.
I'm so afraid.
This year will be the first she won't be there
On the first day of school,
She won't be waiting for me at Von's,
Or Starbucks.
She won't be there to tell me,
"You're late"
If I arrive after 7:37 am.
She won't be there to walk with me
Through the front gates,
She won't be there to wave to me when the bell rings.
She won't be there to find me when it's lunch time,
She won't be there.
She won't fine me after school,
And we won't walk through the gates
Among the crowd of high schoolers.
She won't be there to wave goodbye,
She won't be there.
The year will be the first we won't save a whole page in our yearbooks for each other.
She won't be here.

Dear God,
I'm done.
Why can't everyone just stop?
I don't need them to tell me,
"You can make new friends."
I don't want new friends.
Everyone keeps telling me that,
"Even though this door is closing,
Another will open."
Can't I just shove a doorstop in there!?
There isn't anyone out there who's better than my best friend.
And yeah, I get it.
People walk in and out of our lives.
But the thing is,
I'm not ready for her to walk away.
I'm not
Strong enough
Without her.

Dear God,
Why did this happen to me?
I hear about people's best friends moving
All of the time.
I knew it could happen.
I just didn't think it would become a reality.
I'm not ready
For it
To be
A reality.
I need her.
I can't just replace her
With a new best friend.
It's not the same.
We had 11 years.

Dear God,
I don't want to be alone.
I don't know what I'll do
Without my best friend.
I hate being alone.
I don't want to be sad.
I'm not ready to be
alone.
The last time I felt alone
I became obsessed with the color black,
And liquid diamonds and rubies
Running down my skin.
But this time,
I really will be alone.
And I really
Don't want to take up
My previous obsessions.
I know we have Internet,
And Skype,
FaceTime,
Mail.
Text messaging.
But it's not the same.

Those things don't help
Just like these unsent
Letters to God
Don't cut it.