Evolution

February 24 2016

Sometimes I wonder why I keep going.

Sometimes I feel so tired

I don't want to wake up in the mornings

because sleep doesn't help it

and sometimes I feel so stressed out that sleep won't come

and I watch the minutes on the clock roll by like seconds

and hours roll by like I'm not even there.

My life is a constant feeling of De-ja vu,

and it never ends.

One moment I'm saying the dinner prayer

(which he now tells me I'm pretending)

and then I'm experimenting with colors,

but I can't get my head out of black and whites,

then I'm at dinner again,

praying- and he still says that I'm pretending

and then I'm working with colors again

then I'm praying

And I guess I'm still a liar

because my mistakes are that I only

change my desires too often

but the truth of it all is

that my life consists

of blurred colors and memories

that I can't seem to make sense of

and I can't seem to grip reality

because it's moving too fast

and I'm stuck.

And I wish I could get out.

I am stuck in the bottom of an hourglass

and as minutes go by

I become more and more

underneath the lies that keep putting

themselves on me

and I can't get out

but the pressure in my chest

is constantly increasing

and the weight is too much

so every time I try to breathe out

I can't breathe in

I wish I could mane this weight in my chest

go away

there's nights I wake up from my sleep

because I realize I can't breathe

from you putting all of that dirt on me

and the earth is heavy

and there's only so much blame I can carry

I mean it's where we came from and

sometimes I wonder why

I don't go back to where I came from.

this shouldn't be this hard for me

but no one's been accepting my apologies-

and that's okay I guess-

I just want everyone to know I'm sorry

for everything I've done

the good and the bad

because in times like these

it feels like

the bad outweighs the good

so it doesn't matter how many people you help

the only thing that matters

is the people you have wronged.

In times like these I wish

I could go back to where I came from

but the only thing that's stopping me

is the famous question

"to be or not to be."

I'm afraid that what's on the other side

is worse

and I wish everyone could just know

that I'm sorry for all that I've done-

the good and the bad because

the bad's all that matters in these times anyways.

In times like these

I wonder what it would be like

to take a razor to my forehead

and I wonder what it would feel like

to bleed out

but I'm still scared of what's on the other side because

I know I'm not worthy

because my father thinks

I say pretend prayers

he doesn't know I write so he won't discover the truth to why I do

and he still doesn't know that

I'm sorry.

I know more than anyone

that I'm sorry

and the only solution that I can come up with

to solve this problem is to remove the variable which-

in this case-

is me

but I don't think that will work in the long run

as much as I want it to

the truth of it all is

that I am sorry

for not being good enough for you

and I honestly want to return

to where I came from

but I know you've sold your soul

to provide for me

and I don't want to be cruel

and in all honesty

I'm a coward

and I don't want

one more reason to be sorry.