Evolution

June 25 2015

I never forget him. He's always on the back of my mind. I was missing him so much today. I just sulked around my room the whole day. I read books to pass the time, I was just so lonely. I want to see him so bad. I miss him so much it hurts. I'm getting lonely, and depressed. My parents already started to notice, and were asking what's wrong.
I keep opening the drawer over and over again, looking at everything he left me. When he had tried to make me take all of my letters, I forgot to give him back the small books that I made for him. It makes me sad every time I see them. Not only that, but every time I open the drawer I see the ring I bought for him when I was at the fair. I constantly wonder and worry I will not have the opportunity to give it to him. The lady said they're fragile, but that's okay. It's just the moment I saw them they made me think of him and I would regret not getting it for him. I've read the pages he left in my yearbook for me over and over again. I don't want Andy to become a memory. I don't want to tell my children that my first love was a high school fling when I show them my yearbooks, I want to be able to look down at it and smile while holding his hand as they marvel at our beautiful love story that I want it to be. I don't want him to fade. I don't want him to only be a memory.
I find myself fearing every day that this new freckle on the center of my forehead is an angel's kiss. I'm probably just worrying too much, but the only angel that kisses my forehead is Andy and I have been so scared these past couple of days. I can't talk to him.
I constantly pray for him, and I pray that he will find the will to stay strong. Because I know he is not done yet. Even if isn't with me, I know he still has a lot of people to influence, things to learn, places to see. He still has a lot of work to do in this life. I pray that he will feel it in his soul. He's a survivor. I pray that he will carry on. He means so much to me. Every time I pray, I pray for him to know that. I pray that he will feel my love and keep holding on.
I dream of him every night and miss him more and more terribly each day. I try to smell the dog for comfort and I still fear the day I will not be able to smell his smell. Lately I have been missing his lips on my forehead, arms around me, and the sound and feel of his heartbeat. I miss his scent enveloping my entire presence and the familiar low pitched vibrations in his chest when he speaks. I still wear the ring every day because somehow I convince myself that if I wear it close to my heart there is still hope, and hope that I will feel okay and that my heart will feel full of joy and love once again.

I finished The Longest Ride today. It was a very good book. But there was one single quote in the entire book I highlighted. It reads: "I understand that love and tragedy go hand in hand, for there can't be one without the other, but nonetheless I find myself wondering if the tradeoff is fair." Despite the truthfulness of my feelings in this quote, despite how much I have hurt, I don't regret a single thing. I will absolutely never regret falling in love with Andy. Nor will I ever forget him.
I miss him so much. The only thing I want to do is be in his arms. Being deprived of him is taking the life and joy right out of me.