A Turkish Delight☆

Chapter 28: Deep Thoughts

Nadine:

Okay, so today was a rollercoaster ride. I broke up with my hormonal fiancé, I drove off with the good looking Turkish hottie, to the middle of nowhere, confessed my love, and would've probably fucked him if he hadn't knocked the sense back, into me. Wow. Seems like a scene from a Bollywood movie, right? Sigh. Anywho, currently, I was driving back home, with a thousand thoughts racing my mind, one being how I'd disclose Saif's unfaithfulness to my parents who're working on the wedding preps. And I couldn't just tell them about Mehmet. Not so soon. Not unless I was 100% sure of him, because he was sure that I wasn't sure, strange though. Although, I trusted and loved Mehmet, I suddenly had a lot of questions on my mind, one being should I trust him so much? Was it right for me to fall for him so soon? Would he catch me? Or would he let me fall, like Ali, my ex, did? Will I get hurt again, or will he heal my wounds? My brain was in a constant struggle with my heart. My heart said I should trust him, I should love him. My brain said not to act stupid, and not repeat the mistakes of the past.

I thought love was something only poets and writers created for us to believe in a feeling, so magical, so beautiful, that it almost feels unreal. I believed love only existed in fairytales and Disney movies, until I met Ali, but more sooner than ever, I realised that this wasn't true, love indeed is a fantasy that only looks nice in books and soap operas, not in reality. Because in this cruel, selfish world, people don't love anyone. They only 'love' you till you're helpful to them, once they've used you, you're nothing to them. They throw you away like a used tissue.

After Ali I didn't have any other relationship, except with Saif, and that was 6 years after my breakup. I already mentioned my tumultuous relationship with Ali. How one sided it was, how I was a slave to his needs, how easily he could manipulate me, and turn everything into my fault. How he could use my love and care against me. How he could drain me and make me feel lifeless. How unworthy he made me feel. How insecure he made me. How ashamed he was of being seen with me in front of his friends, how he never defended me against his friends, how he hated me, how he played with me, how he knew which strings to pull to get what he wanted. And how I fell in every trap he set. Because I loved him with all my heart and soul, I blindly trusted him. My happiness depended on him. Something I now realise, was very stupid of me to think.

But as crazy as it may sound Mehmet made me believe in love, all over again. From the day I first met him, 7 years ago, I felt a strong attraction towards him. Was it love? Probably not at that time. If you'd ask me I'd call it lust. But right now, if you'd ask me, whether I loved him or not, I'd say yes without a doubt. Crazy? I know. But he had that big of an influence on me, although I had only just started to know him, properly. For many people, developing trust, and loving a person requires time. But for me, it doesn't. Didn't happen with Ali, didn't happen with Mehmet either. I fell too early and I fell too hard in both cases. Yes, I'd fallen hard for Mehmet. And my brain kept telling me it was a bad idea, that I should abort this mission instantly, but I couldn't. Although people say you should fly instead of falling in love, but I could trust Mehmet enough to catch me when I fell. I wanted to trust him. My heart kept screaming, to let down my walls, for Mehmet, to trust him. Because if I couldn't trust him on this, there was no use of me falling for another jerk like Ali. But what if he doesn't catch me? And I fall? And I fall into the pit of doom?

After my failed relationship with my ex, I never thought I could trust anyone, and Saif gave me another reason why I shouldn't trust anyone. I became so cynical about things. When a person can lie about their feelings, only to manipulate me, to get into my pants, I honestly don't know how to trust anyone. But I trusted Mehmet. I wanted to. Sounds weird, since I don't know who he is. I only know that he has had his share of a rough patch with a crappy relationship with his father, and his bitchy girlfriend who probably cheated on him with his best friend. But that was all I knew about him. But I guess you don't need to know a person completely to trust him? Right? Or maybe you do? Was this a mistake? Probably.

But I told him I loved him. And he said he loved me back. I never used such a strong word after my breakup with Ali. Mainly because, I had lost all hope for ever finding love, I had stopped believing in love. So naturally, it was a big thing for me, and probably for him too, to tell each other of our feelings. Considering guys never let out their feelings so easily.

Although Saif said he loved me a couple of times, but everytime he said that, I never said it back because I didn't feel for him that way. Yes, I loved him as a friend, but I didn't love him otherwise. And right now, I think it was the right decision to not let my guard down for him. I caught him red handed, once, but who knows how many girls he banged when he was in England, while being in a relationship with me. And if I had loved him, I would be devastated by now. But I wasn't, and that was all because of my walls protecting my fragile heart. That, and because of Mehmet.

I really didn't want to leave Mehmet, at least not today. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to talk to him, to get to know him, to get close to him. But I couldn't, especially now, when I had parked my car in the driveway. For now, I had to zone out Mehmet and all the other thoughts that came to my mind to focus on the next thing, breaking the news, to my parents, which, mind you, wasn't going to be easy. Since I knew they'd have a lot of questions for me and I wasn't in the mood to answer all those questions, mainly because I didn't want to relive the moments of the betrayal by my bestfriend-my ex best friend, and unfortunately my ex fiancé. And also because I was extremely tired, since I spent the day driving to all my relatives dropping off the wedding cards and then driving back from 'Paradise', located in the middle of nowhere, to my house which was almost a 3 hour drive. But I was mentally preparing myself for all the possible questions that would be fired my way, because well, that's how desi parents roll haha.