Away From Us

Chapter 21: It was A Mistake

"It was a mistake."

I looked at him my eyebrows knitting together, not understanding what he was talking about.

He took a breath his eyes wandering ahead instead of looking into mine. "Kissing you I mean, it was a mistake."

It took me a moment to regain what he was saying. I just stared at him, my mind absorbing what he said as slow as it could. 

A mistake?

It was the first time ever that I felt it. The heart broken feeling of when the person you love or like crushes your heart with a word or two.  It felt as my soul had been sucked out of my body. It felt as if my whole body had shrunk and my throat had closed. My stomach flipping as I felt my heart accelerate so badly and drop. It was all mentally, but nothing could ever pain me physically more than what he said.

At the same time, you feel numb. Completely numb. How? It's hard to explain unless you had felt it before. As if you get beaten up at the spot, or slapped you wouldn't even feel it. You want to kill yourself, to get rid of everything as you do not feel your soul, your heart.

And you just stare. Like I was doing right there.

Heart break hurt. It hurt as much as it was confusing to explain what it felt like.

I just kept silent. And he kept looking ahead. I didn't even know what to say. Of course it was a mistake. I'm hideous, I'm disgusting, he would never think of me more than a friend. It was definitely a mistake to him. My first kiss was a mistake.

Who would ever want to kiss you Myrna?

When I took long in my silent state, he looked back at me. I didn't know what he saw but it shocked him, as he widened his eyes a slight bit and then returned to his emotionless state.

Tears burned my eyes, but I continued to stare as he looked at me a bit carelessly. I felt so cold inside but I was sure it was not from the weather.

His eyes moved to my sides, where my hands fell beside me on the grass. He looked confused a bit, and then looked back up at me.

"Myrna, your hands, they're blue. You're clenching your fists so hard. Your hurting yourself. Stop it."

I blinked, looking at my palms that I spread in front of me. They were indeed blue with very deep nail marks due to the hard pressure I applied without intending to, without feeling it.

I swallowed the lump in my throat difficultly. And pressed my lips as a tear fell from my right eye unwillingly on one of my palms.

Fuck this.

"Can you take me to my car right now?" I hoarsely whispered, without looking up.

I felt him hesitate, but nod in front of me. He slowly got up brushing his pants and offering me a hand. I looked at his hand, my body feeling exhausted. I shook my head slowly and got up on my own, making him clench his fist back into place.

I stumbled for a moment, as he walked in front of me taking his motorcycle and climbing onto it and waiting for me. I swallowed again.

I don't want to touch him, I don't want to go near him.

But I had to.

And so I climbed behind him, wrapping my arms around him, and feeling shattered.

And trust me, the ride there wasn't as amazing as it always had been.

The moment he parked in front of his house, I jumped hastily to get away from him. He looked at me with some kind of hurt but I doubt that I guessed his emotions correctly anymore.