Finding My Way Home

Chapter 6

Diane

I don't know how long I've been in this darkness.

You lose all concept of time when all you see is...nothing.

I've had brief glimpses of a person I assume is me, even if I don't recognize this person.

I see birthday parties. I see a wedding.

I see babies crying, playing, and laughing.

What I can't understand is why my mind refuses to recognize these images.

Why can't I break free of this darkness?

Recently, I have been able to feel things.

I can feel someone touching me. I can feel someone kissing me.

Who is this person? Is it the man I see often?

Is he my husband?

As I concentrate on the image, I feel a sharp pain somewhere on me.

I can't pinpoint where it is coming from, and it quickly vanishes.

All I know is that it hurts, and I want to cry.

What's happening to me?

I want to die and end this emptiness.

Ethan

We have made it through the week, and Diane continues to progress in her recovery. Today is the day that we remove the respirator. If Diane can breathe without assistance, she is one step closer to recovery. I had a very intense conversation with my in-laws last night. They are not happy that I've kept them from visiting Diane. I think they've reached the end of their patience. Honestly, I don't understand their sudden concern for a child they so casually discarded years ago.

"You are being unreasonable Ethan," Wiliam said in his annoying authoritative tone. "It's been a week. My daughter has not suffered a setback. I think it's time to allow us to visit her."

I will not cave in my resolve. Diane will have no visitors until she is awake and off the respirator. I also have to consider her feelings towards her parents. Will she want them in her room? Will she welcome their visit? Until I am sure, I do not want them in her room. It's that simple.

"We've had this same discussion several times this week, William. You should understand and accept why I have restricted access. I can't run the risk of Mersa. Diane has numerous cuts in addition to the incisions. Do you expect me to put her life in danger?"

"Well, no but..."

"I don't want to hear it! She is my first and only concern. There will be plenty of time for visitation. Please, stop pressuring me! I can't take it anymore!" I get up and leave the room. I can still hear Diane's parents talking, and as I pace back and forth, I try desperately to calm down. My father is the voice of reason in this insanity that has become my life.

"Ethan is right. The operation was complicated, and Diane needs a fighting chance. Why would you risk her health by being unreasonable? She is still on the respirator. She still has the drain in her scalp. That is an open invitation for an infection. Until Jerry removes the port and she can breathe without assistance, we need to keep our distance. She is also my daughter. It kills me not being able to see her, but I understand and accept that Ethan is her proxy. His decision is final."

Thank God for my father. I would go insane without him. I can hear Barbara complaining that I am unreasonable. I don't want to be unreasonable. I only want what is best for my wife. Let's see what happens tomorrow. Jerry wants to attempt to disconnect the respirator. I still haven't told them yet. Maybe now I can, and hopefully, it will ease their anxiety, and get them the fuck off my back. I wish they would go home. Their sudden concern for Diane is pissing me off. When I return to the living room, William approaches me cautiously.