Finding My Way Home

Chapter 31

Ethan

Watching my children hug their mother breaks me, and if it weren't for my parents, I would be on the floor. My legs are shaking, and it takes all of my control to remain on my feet. My heart beats furiously as I try to control my ragged breath. I hear my Dad's voice in my ear. "It's going to be okay Ethan. Our girl is home where she belongs. Whatever happens in the weeks to come, she has all of us to support her. This is a happy day for all of us."

"I love her Dad. I never knew just how much I loved her until I had to face a potential life without her. I can't begin to tell you how I felt last night when I held her in my arms."

"I know how you feel Ethan. I feel the same way about your mother."

"You can let go of me now. I won't fall on my ass."

I walk over to the sofa, lift Kellie into my arms, and sit down next to my wife. For the next hour, the kids talk nonstop about everything and nothing. By early-afternoon, Diane is fading fast. "Okay, kids. It's time for your mother to take a nap before dinner. Joey, go upstairs and unpack your bags. Kellie, help Granny set the table. I'm taking Mom to the family room for a little nap."

"Thanks, Ethan. I am a little tired."

"No worries my love. I'm taking a nap with you."

There is no way I can avoid having Diane see all of the machines that are still in the room, and we will need it tomorrow when the nurses arrive. Before I wheel her into the family room, I lean down and whisper to her, "Don't worry about all of the machines. They look scarier than they really are, and you needed them at the time. You no longer need them, and I'll have Jerry take them back to the hospital when he leaves tonight."

"I know Ethan. I can't avoid what happened to me. I might as well see all of it."

I give Diane credit for not overreacting when I wheel her into the room. The hospital bed takes up a significant portion of the space. On one side of the bed are the IV pole, catheter bags, and the cardiac monitor. On the other end of the bed is the Enteral Feeding Pump with the nutrition bag still attached to the pole. Diane sucks in a breath when she sees all of the equipment.

"Oh, this looks awful. Was I really attached to all of this?"

"Unfortunately, yes. You needed all of this to survive honey. I won't lie to you, Diane. It's important that you know the truth, but I'm not sure today is the day to discuss all of this. Let me remove everything from the room, and then we can lay down for an hour or two, and just relax and hold each other."

"Yes, I agree with you. I don't think I can handle hearing it today. I just want to spend time with my family. Let's discuss this tomorrow. And, Ethan, you will tell me the truth, won't you?"

"I have never lied to you, sweetheart. Why start now? Unless we face what happened, we won't get past it. We will have to discuss this anyway once we start therapy. We might as well discuss it tomorrow. But, before I say anything, I want you to remember that we are in this together, and you will tell me how you feel. I will not negotiate on this one point, Diane. I do not want you holding in your feelings. If you feel the need to scream, do so. If you want to cry, don't hold it in. Promise me Diane."

"I promise Ethan. I don't want to hold in my feelings. How did I handle things before the accident?"

I laugh as I remember our many spirited conversations. "Let's just say that you have always been blunt in expressing your opinions and feelings. You have been vocal over the years, and my eardrums can attest to that. Give me a minute to get all of this out of the room, and I'll make you comfortable in bed. I really could use a short nap. I did not sleep last night."