Finding My Way Home

Chapter 24

Ethan

The day before I bring Diane home from the hospital, I have a serious discussion with my children. Kellie is no longer the active child she was a few months ago. Kellie is withdrawn and moody. She tends to stay to herself and has not played with her friends much since the accident. My heart aches for my sweet girl. No child should have to see a parent sick and broken. I cannot hide this from my kids. Joey understands the gravity of his mother's illness, but Kellie is just a child. I find it difficult keeping it simple for her, and tonight, I struggle with how much she should know. It will be impossible hiding the intubation tube, catheter bag, and the medical equipment.

It shocks me how quickly Diane's appearance has changed in the past few days. Her skin is very pale which makes the bruises that much worse to look at. I have to face reality. Diane could be in this condition for many months, and my kids must face this truth. I don't want my wife in a nursing facility. I don't want strangers touching her. We all know these facilities do not have adequate staffing, and I will not risk her health to spare my children pain.

I sound like a bastard saying this, but what else can I do? I need to take care of her. We've talked about this after Kellie had been born. However, you don't anticipate having to make this type of medical decision in your forty's. We have a health directive and a living will, but I don't need a piece of paper to tell me what I should do. I am violating one condition in her health directive. I will not let my wife starve to death. Artificial nutrition is necessary for this situation. And so, tomorrow, I have the unfortunate duty to throw my children into the adult world, whether I like it or not. I decide to take them to my parent's house in Cape May. Mom and Dad are coming with me. I know I am going to need them.

*****

"Where are we going, Daddy?"

"We are going to Granny and Gramps house in Cape May. You like it there. Remember last summer?"

"Yeah, I had tons of fun. Can we stay there?"

"No, this is only a day trip, sweetheart."

"Is it because of Mommy that we have to come back today?"

"Yes, baby. Mommy is coming home tomorrow, and I need to make sure the room is ready for her."

"Oh, that's okay. I won't have any fun today."

My father is driving the minivan, and I'm in the back of the van with my children. My phone chimes with a text message. It's from Joey.

What's going on, Dad? Is something wrong with Mom?

Not now Joey; today is about you and Kellie.

Why are you evading the question? What is it? Just say it already.

I have a few things I need to discuss with the two of you before Mom comes home.

Is it something bad Dad?

No. I just want to prepare the two of you for what you will see.

You're scaring me. What are we going to see?

I need a few minutes to rest my eyes. Please, we'll talk about everything when we get to the house.

I close my eyes and pretend to sleep because I just need a few quiet minutes to settle my mind, and firm up what I want to say to the kids. By the time we arrive at the house, I pretty much know what I want to say. After having a light brunch, we walk towards the beach, tote bags in hand. We never miss an opportunity to collect seashells. It's such a beautiful day, and I feel like shit because I have to spoil it for my kids. Kellie senses something is wrong with me, and oddly enough, she starts the conversation.