Finding My Way Home

Chapter 40

Diane

Every nerve in my body is on fire. Since I've regained my memories, all I've thought about is making love to my husband. My mind has finally calmed somewhat since my sudden and unexpected swan dive on the boardwalk. Ethan reaches out and links his fingers with mine, and the sexual zing shoots up my arm and settles between my legs. I miss him terribly. I miss the warmth of his body on top of mine. I miss the slow burn of him as he thrusts into my body and the way he stills above me and savors the feel of himself in me. I miss the slow thrust, the swirl of his tongue against mine. I miss...everything.

Now that I think about it, our kisses have not been the same, because I've not been the same. It just dawned on me that our relationship to this point has also been different. The way Ethan holds me at night is different. The way he looks at me and touches me is different. I need to talk to him about this, and I need to do this before we get to the hotel.

"Ethan, when we get to the hotel, I need to talk to you for a few minutes before we go in." I feel his hand tense in mine. I don't want him thinking something is wrong. I only want to clarify a few things in my mind. "Nothing is wrong Ethan. I only want to say a few things to you before we get out of the car."

"Oh, okay. You had me a little worried."

A few minutes later, we pull into the parking garage. Ethan finds a spot, turns off the ignition, and turns around in his seat to face me.

"What is it, honey? Is something worrying you?"

"No, I'm not worried. I just thought about something as we were driving and I need to tell you." He's frowning at me, and I want to kick myself because I'm not saying this the correct way. I sigh and shake my head. "It occurred to me as we were driving here that our relationship before today is different than before the accident. Now that I have my memories, I've been comparing what we had before to what we have now, and I see differences in the way we are together. For instance, you did not kiss me, or touch me in the same way you did before the accident. I'm not sure why that is, and I wanted to ask you about it. Please, before you answer me, I do realize that things were different between us because of my lack of memory. I can probably guess how you will answer me, but I want to hear it from you, Ethan. I want to hear how you felt about me when I had no memory of us."

Ethan takes a very long time to answer my question. His brows furrow in concentration and I try my best not to squirm in my seat. It's unfair of me to ask this now, but I want the air cleared before we go up to the room. Once I close that door, I want nothing to come between us. I want my life back, and after tonight, I will not talk about this again. Finally, Ethan speaks to me.

"I have treated you differently, and I'm sorry. I never wanted to rush you or put pressure on you to resume our sexual relationship if you were not ready to take the next step. Deep down, I think I was afraid to make love to you for fear it would be different. The fact that you noticed a difference in the way I am with you upsets me. I never wanted you to see that hesitation, but I guess I'm not that good at hiding it from you. I never fully grieved for what we had lost Diane, and by not doing so, I left the door open for hope, for some higher power to intervene and bring you back to me."

"Every part of me missed you, Diane. At night, I lay in bed and cry for you, cry for what I lost, and cry for what may never be in the future. I promised myself to give you whatever time you needed to accept me, and maybe someday love me again. When you said you loved me in the whirlpool that night, a glimmer of hope warmed my heart. I longed for the caresses in the dark, for the kisses that I craved so much. I wanted to touch you, to give you pleasure, but I was so afraid to take the next step. When you agreed to marry me again, I finally felt hopeful for our future."