Finding My Way Home

Chapter 36

Diane

Three months later

So much has happened to me in the last three months. My legs have completely healed, and I can walk on my own two feet, without anyone's help. It is such a wonderful feeling to be able to climb the stairs, go for a walk, or just stand in the kitchen and wash the dishes. I feel happy again, and I never want to lose this feeling. Ethan went back to work last month, and the house is quiet during the day with the kids in school. Today is our last appointment with Doctor Carpenter, and today's session will be different from the others. Ethan and I get to ask each other questions, and I'm a little nervous about what he will ask me. We are on our way there now, and neither of us is talking in the car. The silence creeps me out.

"Are you okay, Ethan?"

"Yes."

And, we continue our drive in total silence. When we arrive at the hospital, Ethan doesn't say a word as we make our way to her office. I can feel his eyes on me, and I don't know what's bothering him. Whatever it is, I'll find out soon enough. As we wait for our appointment, I watch Ethan as he bounces his leg up and down. He's twitchy, and the constant movement of his leg makes me crazy. I put my hand on his leg to stop the twitching. He looks over and smiles at me.

"Mr. & Mrs. Miller, the doctor will see you now."

Here we go, I think to myself. Today we are in her office, and not in our regular therapy room. I already feel uncomfortable.

"How are you today Diane? I see you are walking quite well now."

"I'm good Marilyn, and happy that today is our last session. No offense, but I've had enough therapy to last a lifetime."

Marilyn laughs. "No offense taken Diane, I want my patients to leave me at some point in time."

"Ethan, how are you today?"

"I'm all right."

Marilyn and I exchange glances with each other. Even she notices something is bugging Ethan.

"Ok then, let's get started. Since this is our last appointment, I want to give the two of you some time to ask each other questions. We've discussed many different things in the last three months, and this is your opportunity to ask whatever you feel is left unsaid between the two of you. Diane, what would you like to ask your husband?"

I look down at the piece of paper in my hand, and I suddenly feel awkward, but I have a question that needs answering. "I only have one question. Ethan, it's obvious to me that I will never remember our life together. You tell me every day that it doesn't matter to you, but are you actually telling me the truth, or are you just saying what I need to hear?" Ethan doesn't say anything for several very long seconds before he answers my question.

"I won't lie to you Diane and say that it doesn't bother me because it does. We've known each other for half of our lives, and it breaks my heart that you have no memory of what we have shared together. It upsets me deeply that I cannot talk to you about the past, or share memories with you. Sometimes I don't know how to talk to you, and when I do, I have to filter what I say because I don't want to upset you. Every day we make new memories, but it's not the same honey. It will never replace what we've lost."

"I have been so focused on you that I failed to see that I've also lost something important to me. I've also lost our past because I can no longer share it with you. I've dreaded the day when you would ask me this question because there is no easy answer. It is what it is, and I have a hard time reconciling my feelings with the overwhelming relief that you are still my wife. I suspect the kids feel the same way, although I've never discussed this with them."