Finding My Way Home

Chapter 10

Ethan

I am beyond exhausted, both physically and mentally, and I need to go home for a few hours. When I arrive home, Kellie and Joey are asleep on the couch in the family room. My parents are watching TV, and it takes me a minute or two to realize that William and Barbara are not in the house. I asked my father where they are.

"They went home, Ethan. We had an argument with them earlier this afternoon. They blame you for Diane's decision to refuse visitors. They blame you for everything. It pissed me off, and we had a loud argument. I asked them to go home. You don't need this bullshit in your home."

"I don't understand why they are breaking my balls. Diane doesn't want to see anyone other than me. She is confused and scared, and the constant traffic of people going in and out of her room is too much for her. She's anxious having me near her. I can see it in her eyes. Diane will have a long recovery, Dad. We still need to assess the extent of her memory loss. Can she read? Can she write? Does she remember how to drive, how to teach her classes? We may need to start with the basics. I need to speak to Jerry tomorrow about occupational therapy. There's not much we can do with physical therapy while her bones are healing. We can use this time to work on the other issues."

My mother hugs me, and I just want to cry. "Go upstairs and take a shower. I made a casserole for dinner, and I'll heat some up for you. We'll stay the night and look after the kids. You need an uninterrupted night sleep."

"Thanks, Mom. I don't know what I would do without you. I am going to need both of you for the next few months. I need to focus on Diane, and I need you to help me with the kids. Taking them to school, making sure they have food on the table, help with homework. I can't be in two places at the same time."

My mom hugs me. "We will be here for as long as you need us. You should know by now that there is nothing we wouldn't do for you and the kids. I love you, honey."

My throat is tight as I leave the room. After a quick shower and two helpings of casserole, I fall into bed. Kelli and Joey are still sleeping downstairs, and we decided to leave them where they are. We all need a good night sleep. As soon as I hit the mattress, I am immediately tense. My mind is racing, along with my heart. What if Diane never regains her memory? The thought sickens me, and I feel my dinner churning in my stomach. I can't fall apart, not now. I need to stay focused., but it's so hard when I look at her and see no spark of emotion, other than fear. I roll over and hold on to the one thing that connects me to her, Diane's pillow. It has become my link to her. I bury my face in her pillow and drift off into a sound sleep.

Diane

Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. First, realizing that I have no memories of my life with my family. Second, seeing who Ethan tells me are my children, and not feeling a spark of recognition, emotion...nothing. Why did this happen to me? Ethan told me I am a teacher. A teacher who cannot read. I tried again to look at the magazine the nurse gave me. I can't focus on the words.

I am alone in this hospital room, stuck in bed because of a broken leg. My entire body aches. My head throbs constantly. Every time I breathe, my chest hurts. When I reach up to touch my head, I want to cry because all I feel are bandages. I want to scream, but my voice is broken.

So many thoughts are going through my mind. What if I never regain my memory? What if I have difficulty recovering from my other injuries? Where will I live? Will they still love me if I can't remember them? Will my children be afraid of me? I want to go back to the world of darkness where I was not overwhelmed with people, sounds, and pain. The pain in my head radiates throughout my body. I press the buzzer for the nurse.

The constant flow of doctors and nurses coming in and out of my room disturbs my sleep. Everyone is so concerned about me. Is it because I am Ethan's wife? Do they know me? I need to know. The nurse arrives a few minutes after I pressed the buzzer. The look on her face is sad. I think the nurse knows me.

"Hello, Diane. I am the night nurse, Sally. Are you okay? Do you feel any pain?"

The nurse takes a minute to check me again. God, it feels like they do this non-stop all day. She writes something in a chart clipped to the bed and approaches me. My eyes are begging her for what, I don't know.

"I know you have questions, Diane. Tomorrow someone from occupational therapy will speak to your husband to discuss treatment options. Ethan is an excellent doctor. You are in the safest of hands. He will let no one hurt you."

"We know each other because we have been to many hospital parties and functions. You have a beautiful family, Diane. I know this is difficult for you. It would be difficult for anyone to sustain an injury and lose their memories. Ethan has been frantic these past two weeks. He has slept in this room many nights in that uncomfortable recliner."

"He has been proactive in your treatment. He is your advocate in obtaining the best care the hospital can provide. I know you're frightened, but you can trust Ethan, even if you cannot remember him. I can say with certainty that he loves his family. You are the love of his life. He's made no secret of telling everyone how much he loves you and the children. He is faithful, hard-working, and dedicated to his family and friends. You are in safe hands, Diane."

Her words give me comfort. I feel a sharp pain in my head and raise my hand to rub my temple.

"Do you need something for the pain?"

I nod my head yes. The beautiful nurse puts something in the tube on my arm, and the world goes dark again. Happy peace surrounds me. I drift off on a weightless cloud where nothing hurts me. Can I stay here forever? I am afraid to face the future.