Finding My Way Home

Chapter 25

Ethan

The family room is now a hospital room, complete with a hospital bed, and all of the equipment needed for nasogastric intubation. I also have a full-time nurse who will help with her bathing and feeding schedule, and another full-time nurse to attend to her physical therapy. I feel sorry for my son because he graduates from high school on Friday. This should be a happy time for our family. It's not, and there is nothing that I can do to convince him to attend the graduation ceremony.

"I can't do it, Dad. I can't sit there and pretend that I'm happy when I'm dying inside. I don't care about a goddamn diploma, not when Mom is so sick. I just want to be here with her."

I understand my son's concern, and I don't want to pile more shit on his shoulders, so I drop the subject. I just pray that this does not derail his plans for college. I'm almost afraid to ask him about it.

Diane's first night at home is very tense. I had an extra bed delivered, and I'm sleeping in the room with her. I am so afraid to leave her alone, not even for a few minutes. My parents are helping me, and we have agreed to rotate sitting with her in four-hour shifts. I can't physically be with her twenty-four-seven. If something happens to me, who will take care of her? The room is eerily quiet, and it is impossible for me to sleep. I am once again reminded of the gravity of my wife's illness because the familiar sounds of clicking and beeping are all around me. I walk over to my wife's bed, and I just want to cry. Diane is asleep now, which is the only time that I feel comfortable being close to her.

"What has happened to you, my love? What made you so terrified that you withdrew into yourself? Why did you leave the house? Why didn't you call me? I would have helped you through this Diane. Why, a thousand times, why? What are you thinking about? Can you hear me when I speak to you? Can you feel the children when they touch your hand, or kiss your cheek? Do you have any idea how devastated they are to see you like this? I feel helpless Diane. Only you have the power to come back to us. Don't lock yourself away in your private prison. Come back to us my darling. We love you so much. I love you with all that I am. I don't know how to reach you. How do I reach you?"

Diane

I hear a beautiful voice speaking to me, but I don't have the will to listen.

He is asking what happened to me?

He wants me to come back to him, but I can't.

I don't want to face the world again. It's too painful.

The angry man hurt me, and I am afraid to go back.

I am surrounded by darkness. It pulls me deeper and deeper away from the light.

This is where I feel safe. My body feels weightless.

I can't feel anything. I can't see anything

I can finally let go of everything and just...drift away.

I am sorry I don't have the strength to fight for my life.

I really am...defective!

Ethan

The months that follow are without question, the darkest days of our lives. Kellie and Joey refuse to leave the house. One morning, in particular, tore me up inside. It was early in the morning, and I was half asleep when I heard Kellie come into the room. She was holding the teddy bear that she gave to Diane when she came home from the hospital. Kellie climbed up onto the bed and curled into her mother. She took the teddy bear and placed it on Diane's chest.

Kellie whispered, "I brought George so you won't be lonely. Can you hear me, Mommy? It's me, Kellie. Me and Joey miss you, Mommy. Can you come back to us? I'll stay with you until you open your eyes." Kellie laid her little head on Diane's shoulder and closed her eyes. "I'm kinda mad at you Mommy. You said you would always be my Mom. Do you remember saying that? If you don't, that's okay; I'll keep reminding you."