Finding My Way Home

Chapter 43

Ethan

I am not happy about this visit today, but I cannot stop my wife from seeing her mother. I worry that Diane will not have the closure she is expecting to receive. She's trying to hide the fact that she's nervous, but I can see it on her face.

"You always have the choice to cancel the visit, Diane. I don't want you to get sick today. How do you feel?"

"I'm a little nauseous, and thankfully I didn't throw up this morning. I have crackers and ginger ale in my bag just in case I feel yukky. I'm just past the first trimester, and I hope the morning sickness goes away soon."

William arrives at our house at eleven-thirty, and he looks as nervous as Diane does. This is not going to be a comfortable visit, and if I see it going downhill, we're leaving as quickly as possible. The drive to the facility is quiet. William is behind us in his car, because I don't want him in the car with us. Diane stares out the window and twists her fingers as she usually does when she's nervous. I reach over and cover her hands with mine. "We can still turn around and go home, Diane. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I just want to get this over with and leave as soon as possible. Let's go someplace fun when we leave."

I think about this for a minute. Bike riding is out of the question, and I decide a trip to the zoo is just what we need. Twenty minutes later, I park the car and hold Diane's hand as we follow William into the building. We check in, receive our visitor tags, and walk to the elevator. Diane looks pale, and I ask her again if she's okay. Diane nods her head yes.

I've never been in this facility before today, and it's a nice place, overall. As we approach Barbara's room, Diane pauses and takes a deep breath. "Ready?" I ask her. She nods again, and we walk into the hospital room.

Barbara is sitting in bed watching television, and when she hears us come into the room her eyes fill with tears, and she covers her face with her hands. My beautiful wife has a kind heart and walks over to her bed, sits next to her, and holds her mother's hand. "Is it really you Diane? Daddy told me you remember us. Do you remember me, baby?"

"Yes, I remember you, Mom. Did Daddy tell you about the baby?"

"Yes, he did, and I am so happy for you honey. You are my beautiful little girl. You do know Mommy loves you. I'm so sorry honey. Daddy told me he spoke to you about my sickness. I'm sorry you have to see me this way. I must look awful."

"You look beautiful Mom. You always have. How do you feel today?"

"I have good days and bad days. Today is a good day because you came to visit me. I have so much to say to you, Diane."

I have no idea what she wants to say to Diane, but I will listen without judgment. I can visibly see that she is sick, and it breaks my heart because she is still Diane's mother. I remember the confrontations I had with her parents, and I now understand the behavior and William's unwillingness to intervene. I stand behind my wife and put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"I was so happy the day you were born. I always wanted a baby girl, and I was so happy when we brought you home from the hospital. Daddy and I had a good life until I got sick. It's hard to explain. I felt fine one minute, and the next I felt confused, disoriented, and tired. I was afraid to leave the house. I couldn't keep the house organized. I did not take care of you properly. Everything scared me. I couldn't sleep, my friends no longer called me, and I just didn't care about anything. It got worse when I lost the baby. I wanted to die and then Daddy took me to the hospital."

"I found out a few years later that some of my relatives on my father's side of the family suffer from mental illness. I was afraid to be around you, Diane. The voices in my head told me to hurt you, and I fought so hard not to hurt my baby. They gave me powerful drugs that dulled my mind. I didn't want you to see me that way, so I pushed you away from me. I had to push you away to protect you from me. I made Daddy swear he would never tell you the truth. I had to protect my baby."