Finding My Way Home

Chapter 7

Diane

It's so lonely where I am now. How long have I been here?

I feel like I fade in and out. Sometimes I hear voices; sometimes I hear nothing.

Every time I struggle to break free of the darkness, something pulls me back.

Today I feel different. I hear a lot of voices around me.

Hands are touching me. What's happening now?

Why can't I open my eyes?

*****

"Are we ready?" I hear Jerry ask the nurse standing by Diane's bed, while I pace the length of the hallway. Jerry does not want me in the room, and I can understand why. I'm sweating like a pig. I know the procedure. I've done this many times over the years, but today is different. Today, my wife is the patient. As I lean against the wall outside of her room, I listen to the unmistakable pumping sound of the respirator. I'm frozen in place as I stare at the floor. Please, please breathe baby. I look into the room and see Jerry, his hand on the button, ready to re-start it if she cannot breathe.

That doesn't happen. The steady rise and fall of her chest continue. One minute becomes three, which turns into ten minutes. I am going out of my mind, and when I walk into the room, Jerry pats me on the back, expelling an audible sigh of relief. I leave the room again to allow the nurses to remove the apparatus from her throat. I don't want to watch it. One hurdle down. The next step is to gradually reduce the medication over the next few days.

Jerry follows me out of the room. "I don't mind telling you I was about to shit my pants. I'm so relieved Diane is off the respirator, Ethan. This is a good sign."

"Yeah, it is." My throat is so tight that getting any words out of my mouth is damn near impossible. I'm fighting the tears that have been so close to the surface all week. I'll have time to cry later. I hear Jerry talking to me, but I haven't listened to a word he's said. My mind cannot focus, but I did hear, "If all goes according to schedule, Diane will be awake by Monday." My legs turn to rubber and I sink to the floor. Jerry sits down next to me and pats my knee.

"I know you've been keeping it together for the kids. Relax a little Ethan; it's okay. Diane still has a long recovery, but the worse is over."

"It won't be over until she's home with me, lying in my arms. I can't sleep, Jerry. I feel like a part of me is missing. I miss her. I lay in bed and subconsciously roll over, expecting a soft, warm body to comfort me. The kids slept with me last night, and it's the first good night's sleep I've had all week."

"You too are joined at the hip."

"Yes, we are, and that frightens me. When did I become so dependent that I can't function without my wife?"

Jerry laughs. "The day you said, I do."

Memories of my wedding day flood my mind. "Best goddamn day of my life."

*****

Four days later

Something is happening to me. The darkness is disappearing.

I see fragments of light. I'm so excited!

Am I finally leaving this place? My body feels lighter.

I see the light flashing before me. I feel hands touching me again.

Soft hands. Caressing hands. Who is touching me?

This touch feels familiar and at the same time not.

I'm confused. My head hurts.

I open my eyes and see several people looking down at me.

My mouth is dry. I try to speak, but I can't form the words.

My mind knows what I want to say, but I can't communicate.

I blink several times as I try to focus my eyes.

A handsome man is staring down at me.

He's speaking to me.

"Hello, sweetheart. Welcome back. We've missed you."

Who is this person? How does he know me? Who am I?

I raise my arm and push him away. He looks hurt.

I don't want him touching me.

I try forming the words again, and this time, I can barely get out what I want to say.

"Who... are... you?"

It's all too much for me, and I lose consciousness again.

I feel safer in the darkness.

I want to stay in the darkness where I belong.

I hear voices again. Angry voices.

The man is upset.