Finding My Way Home

Chapter 3

Diane

I hear voices. I listen to a little girl crying. Why is she crying?

Where am I? Why can't I move?

I feel cold. I feel alone. I feel...fear! I'm afraid, and I don't know why.

Is there something wrong with me? I can't remember anything.

I feel hands touching me.

What are they doing to me?

I hear a buzzing sound, and something cold touching my skin.

The black haze is all around me. It feels like I am floating on a cloud.

I see faces, people that recognize me. Who are they?

It is so beautiful where I am now. I feel safe.

I feel nothing but peaceful. Is this heaven?

Am I dead?

Ethan

My hands are shaking, but I hide them behind my back. If Jeremy sees me shaking, he will throw me out of the operating room. I keep out of everyone's way as they prepare Diane for surgery. I know she will cry when she sees her shaved head. It saddens me to see her hair gone. I love running my fingers through it while I hold her in my arms. My stomach tightens at the thought. I close my eyes and try desperately to slow my racing heart. I can't fall apart now. I must pay attention to the surgery.

As the nurses continue their pre-surgery checklist, I walk over to the operating table and hold Diane's hand. Her left arm is extended outward to accommodate the blood pressure cuff, and several IV's. Her hand is now cold. Why is she cold? I place my fingers over her pulse point. Slow and steady. That's good. A quick scan of her chart calms me. Heart rate, pulse, and temperature look good. It's time for me to move out of the way. Jerry has just entered the operating room. We look at each other for a few tense seconds. My eyes speak for me. Jerry understands me and nods.

"Ok, people. Let's get started. Ethan, remain where you are, please."

It's difficult to put into words seeing someone you love to undergo a dangerous operation. I have been a doctor for almost twenty years. I've seen just about everything, and yet, watching my brother perform surgery on my wife is gut wrenching. The operation is proceeding without problems, and I am relieved. My brother is an excellent surgeon. I watch his steady hands, and I am so grateful that he is the one operating on my wife. I am so focused on what he is doing that I fail to notice movement around the operating table.

I hear Jerry yell out, "We have a bleeder. Metzenbaum Clamp. Cauterize. Suction. Sponge."

"Doctor, blood pressure is dropping....60 over 40. Heart rate is irregular."

"Continue to monitor. I can't stop now. Norepinephrine fifteen milligrams IV push."

"Yes, doctor. Fifteen milligrams Norepinephrine, IV push."

One minute later, my entire world crumbles around me. I hear the anesthesiologist yell, "Code Red." He immediately starts squeezing the air bag attached to the respirator. One of the nurses climbs onto the operating table and starts CPR. Another nurse runs for the defibrillator. It all happens so quickly; I have no time to react. I watch in horror as my wife hovers between life and death.

Jerry is barking orders as he continues the operation. "Charge to two hundred joules; on three."

"One, two..." Jerry steps back, "three."

Diane's body jerks and I hold my breath.

"Flatline, doctor, I am charging again to two hundred joules. One, two," Jerry steps back again, "three."