Finding My Way Home

Chapter 14

Ethan

Day one of therapy started with a verbal assault. "Why do you keep.... visiting me? Get the hell... out of my room! When can I leave... this place? I don't want... to be here."

"Well, good morning to you too Diane. Did you sleep well?" I know this is the highs and lows of recovering from a concussion, and I don't take it personally. She refuses to answer me and avoids looking at me. "I'm not leaving until you answer me." Two seconds later, a coffee mug flew past my head and crashed to the floor. "Nice pitching arm. Maybe once the casts are removed, we can play a little baseball."

"What do you... want? Why are you... bothering me?"

I bend down to pick up the broken mug and toss it in the trashcan. Diane is looking at me and a flicker of remorse clouds her face. I brush off my hands and sit in the chair next to her bed. "Now, are you ready to talk to me, or do you want to continue to argue with me?"

After a moment of hesitation, Diane lowers her head, clearly embarrassed by her behavior. "I am sorry I yelled... at you. Please, do not be... mad at me. I do not know why... I am so angry. Was I like this... before the accident?"

This entire situation is so reminiscent of our many spirited conversations, and I laugh and nod my head. "You have always been this way. You are outspoken, hard headed, and opinionated. This is not the first time you've thrown something at me. Usually, it's a pillow, rolled up socks, or some other soft object. We do not break the good china in our house."

I move closer to the bed. "I know this is frustrating, but arguing with me will not help you recover. If something is bothering you, please tell me. I am here to take care of you, not annoy you. Diane, sweetheart, please look at me. You are a beautiful woman, wife, and mother. You are a free spirit, with a kind heart and soul. You would never intentionally hurt anyone. I know you feel upset and scared, and that is okay. You've had an accident, and this is a typical reaction."

"Be honest with me, Ethan. What will happen to me... if I never regain my memory? How do I live my life....with no past? How can I just assume... a life that... I don't know? Will you want a... wife who doesn't remember you?"

"I have the same fears Diane, but at this moment, I can only think of one thing to say to you, and it comes from my heart. If you never regain your memories, I will make you fall in love with me again. That means going out on dates, holding hands, everything, because I refuse to lose you. Our children need their mother, and I need my wife."

"Why did this happen to me? Why can I remember some things and not others? How is it that I can remember to talk and eat, but I cannot remember our life together?"

I immediately notice that her speech has not hesitated. This is another good sign. Baby steps my beautiful wife. "My brother had to operate because you were bleeding internally. Any injury to the brain is dangerous Diane, and the concussion is adding to your confusion. It is a lot of stress on a very delicate part of your body. It takes several months to recover from this type of injury."

"I feel better knowing you won't leave me here alone and frightened."

"I'll never leave you, Diane."

*****

Diane is in a much better mood when Helen Crandall arrives for their first session. Helen sits next to her and places a pack of cards on the table. "Today we are going to focus on your cognitive skills. I know this may look silly, but I want you to look at these cards. I am going to mix them up, and I want you to pick out which two cards look the same. Can you do this for me?"

There were about forty cards on the table, and Diane started to panic. Sensing her anxiety, Helen picked up one card and handed it to Diane. "Let's approach this differently. Take this card and look at it. Now, try to find the same card and place it next to this one." This was much easier for her to manage. "That's perfect Diane, now, try to find this one."

Thirty minutes later, Diane matched every card twice and was so happy she started giggling. "This is fun. What else do you want me to do?"

Helen smiled at her enthusiasm. "Let's try a little reading."

Helen handed her a children's storybook. Diane panicked because she did not understand the words. "It's okay Diane; we will work on improving your reading. Let's see if you can associate words with objects."

She opened a pack of flash cards, and Diane had trouble almost at once. Helen showed her simple things like a book, a table, a window. Nothing registered and it frightened her. She cries and turns her face away from me. I refuse to let her feel insecure. I sit next to her and hold her hand. "Don't cry Diane, please don't be upset. We will help you. Are you tired? Do you want to take a break?"

"Yes, please. My head hurts."

I turn to Helen. "That's enough for today."

Helen nods and slips the flash cards into my coat pocket. I know what she is asking me to do. I will do anything for my wife. I bend down and whisper to her, "Do you want to get out of here for a few minutes? How does that sound to you?"

Diane smiled. "I would love to get out of here for a few minutes."

We go back to her room to get a few blankets. Diane looks surprised when I wrap them around her. I explain, "It's the beginning of March, and even though we are walking through the sky ramp to the restaurant, you are still recovering, and I don't want you to get sick. Humor me, okay?"

Once I cover her in several blankets, I wheel Diane through the sky ramp that connects the hospital to the restaurant. There is a restaurant called Pork Belly's which is a favorite lunch and dinner spot for the hospital staff. On most days, the place is full of doctors, nurses and a few recovering patients with their families. Her mood changes quickly. Her eyes dart back and forth, and she refuses to look at me.

"When I looked at the book, I felt so stupid. I have difficulty reading a children's book. Nothing registered in my head."

I move my chair closer to her wheelchair, lean in and whisper, "I know you are upset, sweetheart. I will help you, I promise, but first I must have lunch with my beautiful wife."

She reaches up to touch the scarf on her head. "How can you call me beautiful? I'm sure I look awful without hair."

I have to swallow the lump in my throat before I can respond. "Oh honey, you are incredibly beautiful, with or without hair. Your beauty comes from your soul."

We eat a light lunch of chicken soup served in a bread bowl. Diane was fascinated by this simple meal. I keep forgetting that every experience is new to her. After our meal, we return to the hospital and sit in the main lobby by the window. There is not much to see other than tall buildings, with a garden or two interspersed every block or two. We find a somewhat quiet spot away from everyone. I pull the flash cards out of my pocket, and Diane looks uncertain. "We are going to start from the beginning and take it slow, okay? This is a chair. This is an apple." I went through the entire deck of cards. "I want you to memorize these ten cards for tomorrow."

On our walk back to her room, I placed all ten cards in Diane's hand and asked her repeatedly to tell me what the object was on the card. I am so proud of her because she remembers all of the objects.

Diane

By the time I returned to my room, I had memorized all ten of the cards, and could not wait for tomorrow to show Ethan how well I had done. Repeatedly, I looked at all of them and knew what they were. Will I be able to remember them tomorrow? I feel happy for the first time since the accident, and fall asleep with a smile on my face. The next morning I ask one of the nurses to take me to Ethan's office. He looked startled when he sees the nurse and me waiting for him in his office. "Are you okay? What happened? Why are you here?"

"I'm okay Ethan. I want to show you something." I pick up each card and correctly identify all of them. Before I have time to think, Ethan kneels in front of me, and he hugs me. Ethan is happy. I can see it in his eyes. The future may be uncertain, but this is a happy day for me. "Can I have twenty cards today?" By the end of the week, I could identify over one hundred objects.